"Stuck In A Stone Vagina"

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.

A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".

A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.

Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.

A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.

Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.

A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.

A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.

A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.

Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".

A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.

Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.

That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!

"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Rod And Reel"

The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?

There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.

A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.

Mila Kunis attended the North Carolina Marine Corps Ball with a soldier in the Marine Corps. That soldier is one lucky bastard.

The DMV is Washington, D.C. is offering free HIV tests. San Francisco, take note.

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: that third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of.

A survey says the most popular passwords in 2011 are “password” and “12345”. Of course, on websites where numbers and letters are both required in passwords, the most popular password was "password12345".

A man in Massachusetts caught an 881-pound tuna, only to have it taken away by authorities because he didn't catch it with a rod and reel. Sounds fishy to me.

Michele Bachmann has accused CBS News of being biased. And FOX News isn't?

A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called "pen and paper".

A Russian TV anchor has been fired for giving President Obama the finger during a live newscast. He was then immediately hired at FOX News.

That's all I have for today! Follow me on Twitter @GroperCleveland for one liners and more stupid stuffs like that. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Toast Of The Country"

A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.

FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.

A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.

Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".

(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!

"Grunt Control"

Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".

The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.

A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.

A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?

Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.

The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Their Own Advice"

Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.

A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.

A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.

Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.

Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?

Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.

Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.

FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Damn Right"

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.

Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".

Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.

German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?

The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"Wine Grape Crop"

US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.

In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?

Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.

In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.

The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".

A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.

A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.

A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.

A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.

The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?

A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.

An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?

A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?

Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A One-Legged Boxer"

Joke of the Day: CNBC is reporting that Americans are $6.6 Trillion short of the amount of money they need to retire. And you thought Brett Favre couldn't make up his mind before...

Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...

New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".

Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.

The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.

According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.

A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.

A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.

The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?

Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.

A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Working While Sick"

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.

A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.

Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.

A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?

Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.

A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.

A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?

A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.

The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.

President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.

A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.

A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.

LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.

A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Single Curse Word"

Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".

The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.

Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.

Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.

Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?

Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.

The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.

Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".

Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.

Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!