"Suicide Note"

A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?

Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.

Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.

A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.

A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.

White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".

A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.

New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.

Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Unwanted Scrap"

Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?

Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.

Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.

GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.

Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.

Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.

BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!

A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.

That's all I have for right now! More later!