Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Showing posts with label Steve Jobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Steve Jobs. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
"GPS Shoes"
President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
"Running A Marathon"
Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".
Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.
A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!
LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.
Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."
Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.
An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".
Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.
A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!
LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.
Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."
Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.
An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
"Older Dads"
Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.
A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?
Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.
The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.
Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.
A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.
A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.
A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?
Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.
The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.
Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.
A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.
A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Resigned As CEO"
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Filed The Paperwork"
Actors January Jones and Jason Sudeikis split up. Jason reportedly has a thing for Jones' sister, February.
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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