"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Concealed Weapons"

Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.

On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.

Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.

Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.

The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.

Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.

Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.

7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.

A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Too Fat By 2020"

A study of King Tut's body has shown that he probably died due to complications stemming from malaria and a broken leg. Now I'm still not sure how Ken Griffey Jr. didn't die in Cincinnati.

The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.

NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.

A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.

A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...

A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".

That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.

"Sexual Encounters With Other Men"

Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today!

J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. If a recluse dies, how do people find out?

J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. He asks that nobody show up to his funeral.

The son of a well-known Alcoa pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument. Talk about a "son of a gun".

In a far-fetched Internet rumor, 15-year-old singer Justin Bieber was shot dead in a New York nightclub. To make the rumor more believable, the killer was reported to have a strong hatred for really bad music.

Taylor Lautner was rumored to be dead because of strippers and cocaine. He was saved by the millions of teenage girls who really wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth.

U.S. wages in 2009 at the smallest rise on record at only 1.5%. Well, the wages of the worker on Main Street dropped dramatically, but undeserving SOB's at the insurance companies evened the bar.

Officials say a bird has been darting into traffic outside Glendale Community College since it was first reported Nov. 20. Nobody knows why, but the chicken said he still doesn't know the answer to "Why did the chicken cross the road".

Eleven inmates at an Arizona prison were injured after a fight broke out at a complex west of Phoenix Saturday afternoon. Here's the scary part: the fight only involved three people.

Tiger Woods was reported to have sexual encounters with other men. I guess it wasn't just his green jackets that were in the closet...