"Paid Less"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.

Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.

The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.

Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".

The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.

A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?

A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.

A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.

AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.

An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.

President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?

A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.

A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Thirteen Yellow Cards"

Joke of the Day: Thirteen yellow cards were handed out in the World Cup championship game between Spain and the Netherlands. Hey, they may not be great at soccer, but at least they'd be really good at Uno.

An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.

Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.

A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.

The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?

A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.