"Absolutely Good"

NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.

Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".

A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.

There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?

That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!

"They Will Kiss At Midnight"

Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.

Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.

Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.

Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.

Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.

China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?

A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?

CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.

The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.

BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.

Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.

Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?

Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.

Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.

Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.

That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!

"Computational Creativity"

Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".

According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?

Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.

The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?

Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Closer To Stalling"

Joke of the Day: A massacre caused by a mushroom hunter in Italy has caused 18 deaths. Or, as we call that in America, "Super Mario Brothers".

Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".

Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.

More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.

A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.

Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.

John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.

Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.

Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.

That's all for now! More later!

"A Smoking SUV"

Joke of the Day: Latino Americans have higher rates of visual impairment, blindness, diabetic eye disease and cataracts than whites in the United States, researchers have found. This means that Latinos will be much less likely to see the Arizona police coming.

Police found an "amateurish" but potentially powerful bomb that apparently began to detonate but did not explode in a smoking SUV in Times Square. Sounds like a job for MacGruber!

President Barack Obama shared some words of wisdom on Saturday, saying there a few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. And he turned to the U.S. Senate and said, "No offense".

A Memphis woman called police after she found her son stealing her prescription sedatives from her bra. The story took a really creepy turn when police discovered the mom was still wearing it when the son stole the drugs.

A beekeeper came to the rescue after a sport utility vehicle was swarmed by thousands of bees. Sounds like the car was the new beekeeper.

Indonesian police have arrested a couple who made meatballs from the flesh of protected monkeys. They have also confiscated their restaurant, Super Monkey Ballz (it's an old video game from the Nintendo GameCube).

A Russian businessman who set up a museum dedicated to Soviet dictator Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death on Friday. This was put on display in the museum section called "What Stalin did to people who were against him".

President Obama called Jay Leno "the only person whose ratings fell more than mine". Leno then called President Obama "the only person whose jokes are worse than mine".

Halle Berry's ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry said that he is "sad" about their breakup. I would be sad too if I broke up with Halle Berry.

That's all I have for today! DEFINITELY more tomorrow!

"The Ways To Be Happy"

An Afghan native has admitted that he planned to bomb the New York subway system. Come to think of it, the New York subway system can't get any worse.

The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Both Leno and Palin plan to ask each other, "Why did you quit so early?"

The US Men’s Olympic Hockey team defeated Team Canada for the first time in 50 years. If only the US Health Care system could say the same thing.

A study says the ways to be happy include being grateful, optimistic, and counting your blessings. The study was then withdrawn when the researchers realized that Americans have nothing to be grateful or optimistic about.

John Daly has signed an underwear endorsement deal. Daly is ecstatic. Now he gets his size 8XL pairs of underwear for free.

The president of Toyota's U.S. operations acknowledged to lawmakers on Tuesday that the company's recalls of millions of its cars may "not totally" solve the problem of sudden and dangerous acceleration. I totally agree. They have to get there first.

A Facebook group entitled "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback" actually has more fans than Nickelback. In response, Nickelback wanted to take that group and Burn It To The Ground.

"The Best Since 2003"

Several dating web sites are matching up couples who have the same illness. Their slogan: "The gift that keeps on giving will now be the gift that your partner already has".

Airline on time arrivals in 2009 were the best since 2003. In the eyes of comedy writers, they really were the best.

Just hours after a bipartisan jobs bill was unveiled in Washington, Thursday, Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid killed it. I guess he was mad because the paper the bill was printed on was white and with no negro dialect.

One in six US adults carried a smart phone, last year. However, while the adults were driving, those numbers rose to five in six.

A Web designer is hawking square inches of an empty lot in Detroit for a dollar each to show what can be done with vacant spaces. He may as well have sold the entire city of Detroit.

Some mental health advocates are pushing to have "orthorexia", which is classified as an obsession with eating only healthy foods. This is also being classified as the rarest disease in the history of America.

New York City could raise $222 million a year from a proposed new tax on sugary soft drinks. $222 million dollars? That's like an entire New York Yankee.

Have you seen the men's speedskating for the Olympics? That's the fastest thing I've seen on NBC since Leno's career in Primetime.

Sorry it was so late! My parents were being stupid about this. More tomorrow.