"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

"Deez Nuts"

Derrick Rose has been accused of drugging and raping his ex-girlfriend. To be fair, he tore his ACL while going after her the last time she ran away.

A guy named Deez Nuts ran as an independent presidential candidate. Coincidentally, "Deez Nuts" is the collective name of all the Republican nominees.

Sesame Street will now air on HBO. This is fantastic, because now I get to find out what Big Bird's sideboob looks like.

Jets QB Geno Smith is out for 6-10 weeks after breaking jaw in a locker room fight. The injury is a devastating blow to opposing defenses.

Texans RB Arian Foster opened up about not believing in God. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert opened up about not believing in Arian Foster's hamstring.

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is going to be a dad. I think I speak for all hack open mikers when I say this was a result of One Erection.

The LA Clippers successfully lobbied DeAndre Jordan to stay with the Clippers instead of leaving to join the Mavericks. Now, the Clippers will camp out in my apartment until I quit comedy.

The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in all 50 US states. Now, Republicans are eagerly awaiting to blame the next hurricane on the Supreme Court's ruling.

Rick Perry said the Charleston shooting was an "accident". Wow, I can't believe I misunderstood "I'm here to kill black people" as blatant racism.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI. The whole thing could've been prevented if the bartender listened when Dave Coulier said "Cut. Him. Off."

A study says Nickelback has the most intelligent lyrics in rock. I can't help but look at this ridiculous study. Every time I do it makes me laugh.

Josh Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting has confessed to molesting some of his younger sisters. Before we know it, one of his other sisters will become an open mic comedian and do an "I wasn't hot enough to be molested" joke.

That's all I have for right now. Ready for a big update? Tough shit, nothing has really happened. Just continuing on my comedy grind. I did a guest spot in Dayton for Brent Morin from NBC's Undateable, and I had a kickass time at Brewhaha once again, but other than that, it's been fairly stagnant as of late. That's not to say I haven't been trying. I've been writing tons of jokes (as you can see above), and I feel that I've improved ever since my weekend. Well, you can go back to your fun life of going through random blogs because let's face it, you probably randomly clicked on this. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"

Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.

Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.

A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.

A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".

Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.

An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."

In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.

The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.

A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...

That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.

"Stealing Tide Detergent"

Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.

More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.

A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.

A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.

An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.

Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".

A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.

A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.

Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Crotch Grabbing Dance"

The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.

The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.

Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.

A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".

A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.

A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.

A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?

Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.

A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.

The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!

"Knighted In England"

Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.

China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.

Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.

Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.

The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.

And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.

It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!

"Fatty Acids"

The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.

The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.

Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.

A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.

Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".

Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.

Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.

A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Paper Copy"

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.

In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".

A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.

Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.

A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.

College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.

A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.

One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.

Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.

Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.

A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.

A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.

A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.

Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.

A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.

President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Broke His Collarbone"

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he accepts bags of cash from Iran. To which the U.S. said, "What's his secret?"

A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.

A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.

Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".

Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?

A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.

A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).

Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.

A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.

BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.

China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?

The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Drove Off A Cliff"

There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.

President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.

Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.

Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.

China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.

A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.

Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.

A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.

There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.

Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.

A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.

A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Taking Tests"

Scientists say a humpback whale traveled more than 6,000 miles, from Brazil to the Indian Ocean, searching for a mate. Unfortunately for the whale, it was a creepy old fat guy who turned out to be a predator.

Oklahoma was rattled by a 5.1 earthquake. In fact, almost everything was destroyed in the middle of nowhere.

A music band blocked the 101 freeway in Los Angeles and performed on top of their truck as part of a publicity stunt. The song they performed: On The Road Again.

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Note to self: if a Republican takes a stance against gays, he's gay.

Health officials estimate that 1 in 22 black Americans will be diagnosed with the AIDS virus in their lifetime. These are people I call "guests on the Maury Povich show".

According to a new study, taking tests is better for kids' brains than simply studying. This study was not conducted by schoolkids.

Justin Bieber is reportedly making fun of Tom Brady's hair. To which Brady responded, "Grow a pair and then we'll talk".

That's all I have for today! I wish I could have more, but I don't. More coming tomorrow!

"Entirely In Klingon"

President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.

The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.

A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.

An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.

Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.

Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.

The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?

China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.

Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.

A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?

A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.

Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".

Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

"Disillusionment And Divorce"

Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.

Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.

A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.

President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?

The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?

Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.

Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.

A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.

A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.

Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Targeting Ethnic Studies"

Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.

The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.

A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".

Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.

A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.

A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.

The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.

Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"11000 Miles Per Gallon"

Joke of the Day: The Social Security Administration says that Isabella is now the most popular name for girls, with Jacob still the top pick for boys. The least popular names: Jon and Kate.

Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.

Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".

French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".

A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?

A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.

“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.

A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.

A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.

Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"A Fat Redneck"

Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.

Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?

The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.

Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.

A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".

A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.

GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.

Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.

I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(

"Arrested In A Pot Bust"

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.

President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.

Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.

Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!

A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.

Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.

The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"The University Of Irony"

An Italian exorcist says that Satan is behind the recent media attacks against the Pope. I'm not sure, however, that Rush Limbaugh cares about Catholicism.

The FAA is dropping a ban preventing clinically depressed pilots from flying. Now what about drunk pilots?

A poll says Americans feel the Republican Party would manage the economy better than the Democrats. This poll was found on Rush Limbaugh's fan site.

President Obama said in his Easter Address that "We must embrace the shared spirit of humanity". Apparently Republicans were not included in his speech.

Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man really became angry when his pet fish begged him to give it back.

A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals. She walked into the dugout and received a standing ovation, hugs from her relatives, and a phone number from Larry King.

Among depressed people, anxiety associated with worrying may help relieve depression, a new study suggests. The study was conducted at the University of Irony.

A farmer recently discovered the fossil skeleton of an ant-eating dinosaur. This dinosaur is described as the world's greatest pet to bring to a picnic.

More tomorrow! Friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/chickenscrossroads !

"Sex Crazed And Very Cheap"

A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.

The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".

With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.

The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.

Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.

A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!