The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"Working While Sick"
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, February 22, 2010
"He Won't Allow Heckling"
Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"The Most Drunk City In The US"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
"Worst Actress Of The Decade"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today!
Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?
A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.
Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?
Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)
A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...
You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.
New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.
A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.
Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!
Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?
A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.
Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?
Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)
A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...
You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.
New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.
A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.
Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!
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