Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.
Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.
Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.
Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.
Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.
A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.
Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.
Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.
Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.
An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?
Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.
North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".
Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.
Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!
By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2016
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"
Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.
New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.
The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.
Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.
A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.
A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.
A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.
That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.
New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.
The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.
Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.
A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.
A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.
A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.
That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Dog Meat Soup"
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 14, 2011
"Encouraging Couples"
Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"Lean Forward"
Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"Not A Human Being"
Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
"Passed Up A Chance"
President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. In an unrelated poll, the number of Americans who prefer FOX News over CNN is 55%.
Jimmy Carter is expected to travel to North Korea to win the release of an American held there. Now why all of a sudden would Kim Jong-Il want to keep Americans in North Korea?
An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. It's the first time ever that Paris Hilton has ever disliked an invasion.
Outfielder Johnny Damon passed up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox and instead elected to remain with the Detroit Tigers. Psychological evaluations are scheduled for tomorrow.
Former Major League Baseball player Bobby Thomson, who hit the "Shot Heard 'Round The World", has died at the age of 86. His last words were, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the penn - oh, wait".
Sylvester Stallone says the U.S. apologizes too much. To which the U.S. said, "I'm sorry. I'll stop".
A nail salon in Georgia tried to charge a woman customer an extra $5 because she is overweight. This explains why I would qualify for $2,000 in extra fees.
That's all for right now. Off to school I go. More coming later today.
Jimmy Carter is expected to travel to North Korea to win the release of an American held there. Now why all of a sudden would Kim Jong-Il want to keep Americans in North Korea?
An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. It's the first time ever that Paris Hilton has ever disliked an invasion.
Outfielder Johnny Damon passed up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox and instead elected to remain with the Detroit Tigers. Psychological evaluations are scheduled for tomorrow.
Former Major League Baseball player Bobby Thomson, who hit the "Shot Heard 'Round The World", has died at the age of 86. His last words were, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the penn - oh, wait".
Sylvester Stallone says the U.S. apologizes too much. To which the U.S. said, "I'm sorry. I'll stop".
A nail salon in Georgia tried to charge a woman customer an extra $5 because she is overweight. This explains why I would qualify for $2,000 in extra fees.
That's all for right now. Off to school I go. More coming later today.
Monday, August 23, 2010
"A Book To Read"
Well, I'm back from Camp Kodiak! I can now write jokes again. And here they are!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
"A Computer Attack"
Joke of the Day: Britain’s oldest new dad became a father at age 79. He had the child with his 25 year old girlfriend, and claims he didn’t need Viagra. Or, as we call that in America, "Hugh Hefner".
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Touchdown Jesus"
Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.
North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.
The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.
A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.
A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.
The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.
The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".
In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.
On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.
Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.
A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".
A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.
People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.
AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.
That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!
CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.
North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.
The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.
A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.
A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.
The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.
The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".
In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.
On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.
Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.
A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".
A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.
People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.
AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.
That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"A Temporary Hotel"
Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
"Her Luggage Was Lost"
AT&T is now charging people who terminate their iPhone contracts nearly $325. Or, for $325 dollars less, you could throw your iPhone in a lake.
Yao Ming has become a father for the first time. His child will look up to him. Literally.
A study says that depression can affect children as young as three. Uh yeah, it's called "crying".
A survey ranks South Korea’s Asiana as the best airline in the world. Apparently North Korea was not allowed to take this survey.
A study says that entrepreneurship may be in a person’s genes. To which Levi Strauss' son said, "Yeah. Literally".
Sarah Palin had to borrow an outfit for a political rally after her luggage was lost. Well seriously, because somebody had a $150,000 outfit just laying around.
Movie tickets in some cities for the new “Shrek” movie have gone up to $20. Or, for about five dollars less, you could buy the DVD.
Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if LA continues its boycott of the illegal immigration law. And they are threatening all the Mexicans who live in LA back to Mexico.
Half of all American parents polled say they would like to be able to communicate with their child's physician via the Internet, a new survey reveals. The other half would like their doctor to get off the computer and actually do their job.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Yao Ming has become a father for the first time. His child will look up to him. Literally.
A study says that depression can affect children as young as three. Uh yeah, it's called "crying".
A survey ranks South Korea’s Asiana as the best airline in the world. Apparently North Korea was not allowed to take this survey.
A study says that entrepreneurship may be in a person’s genes. To which Levi Strauss' son said, "Yeah. Literally".
Sarah Palin had to borrow an outfit for a political rally after her luggage was lost. Well seriously, because somebody had a $150,000 outfit just laying around.
Movie tickets in some cities for the new “Shrek” movie have gone up to $20. Or, for about five dollars less, you could buy the DVD.
Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if LA continues its boycott of the illegal immigration law. And they are threatening all the Mexicans who live in LA back to Mexico.
Half of all American parents polled say they would like to be able to communicate with their child's physician via the Internet, a new survey reveals. The other half would like their doctor to get off the computer and actually do their job.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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