"Not A Human Being"

Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.

Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.

Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".

The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...

Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.

A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.

Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.

ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?

Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.

A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?

A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".

McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?

Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".

The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.

That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!

A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.