"Wrong Predictions"

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.

According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.

China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.

A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?

Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.

Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.

A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.

President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.

An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?

Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.

A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".

FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!