It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Jon and Kate Plus 8. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jon and Kate Plus 8. Show all posts
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"A Second Shot"
So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, July 2, 2010
"Not Always Bad"
Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"Six Decades Of Hostility"
Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"Low Quality Child Care"
Joke of the Day: Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the win column for the Detroit Lions.
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"11000 Miles Per Gallon"
Joke of the Day: The Social Security Administration says that Isabella is now the most popular name for girls, with Jacob still the top pick for boys. The least popular names: Jon and Kate.
Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.
Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".
French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".
A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?
A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.
“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.
A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.
A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.
Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.
Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".
French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".
A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?
A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.
“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.
A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.
A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.
Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Insured His Thumbs"
Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
"An Unhealthy Clown"
Tiger Woods arrived without warning on a lazy Sunday afternoon at the Masters. If I had a nickel for every time that Woods arrived without warning...
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
Monday, March 22, 2010
"Live Fish In Barber Shops"
A California woman went into labor unexpectedly and gave birth with the help of her own children. The children called it "Talking poo-poo".
A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?
Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.
A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.
The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.
A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.
Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.
Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"
It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.
In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.
In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.
A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?
Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.
A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.
The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.
A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.
Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.
Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"
It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.
In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.
In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.
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