Friday, May 15, 2015

"Gltiuy Of The Btoson Bmobnig"

A study says people that have more sex are less happy. This study included statistics, expert opinions, and pictures of my recent trip to Disney World.

American Idol has been canceled by Fox after 15 seasons. However, it was canceled by most American households after 9 seasons.

American Idol has been canceled. Speaking of has-beens, I hear Justin Guarini and Sanjaya Malakar picked up extra shifts at Applebees today.

Jacksonville Jaguars DE and 3rd overall pick Dante Fowler Jr. tore his ACL at his first NFL practice. Even with his torn ACL, he's still the 4th best player on their team.

A woman in a wheelchair on the Price is Right won a treadmill. Not to be outdone, I just won dinner for two at a romantic restaurant.

Kristen Stewart said that Hollywood is "disgustingly sexist". That's absurd. A woman talking?

Two University of Akron graduates invented a device that detects drivers under the influence of marijuana. It's called a Taco Bell drive thru window.

CNN has hired 40 political reporters to boost ratings. Apparently the key to making yourself not boring is hiring 40 boring people.

A Florida man claiming to be Thor was caught having sex with a tree. To be fair, anyone that has sex with a tree would end up very very Thor.

A verdict has been reached in the trial for Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He was found gltiuy of the Btoson Bmobnig, and he is expected to be sentenced to lfie in psiron. (update - he was recently sentenced to daeth)

Vanilla Ice was charged with burglary and sentenced to 100 hours pf community service. This will be the closest he's come to having a job in 15 years.

Indiana recently signed into law a new religious freedom bill that allegedly gives businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Yep, it gives Indiana businesses the right to openly practice their Christianity by judging others.

On Tinder, Jason Derulo recently promoted his new single. Ironically, it's the same app where I promote myself being terribly single.

March 14th is known as "Pi Day", which celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. If you celebrate Pi Day, I'll refer to you as a "Circle's circumference" because people who celebrate a day about Pi are squares.

ESPN recently aired several Alex Rodriguez at bats on Sportscenter in his chase for Willie Mays' home run total. I assume they did this to make sure he didn't eat the pitcher.

That's all for now, friends! And boy has my life changed dramatically since my last post in early March. It's changed for the better, and in some ways, for the worse, so strap in, folks.

First, in mid March, I recently achieved a credit that not a lot of comics can say they have achieved. Somehow, I was the tweet of the day on Comedy Central's @midnight. This feat is next to impossible to achieve. Tens of thousands of tweets are sent on their topic every night. This night, the topic was #MakeACelebrityIrish, and my tweet "Carrot Top o' the mornin to ya" (which I almost deleted) was the selected tweet out of tens of thousands of tweets that night. I had been trying for over a year, and I had sent at least a couple hundred tweets to that show for their games. I treated them like joke writing exercises, and they kept my mind and my Twitter account active. Have I had funnier @midnight tweets? Yes (see my #TVShowSequels entry "I Didn't Know I Left My Child That I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant With In A Hot Car"), but this is the only one that achieved tweet of the day status. When it happened, I lost my shit. It was completely unexpected. It's a small credit, but it was still great for me.

The very next day, I got a message from the guy who books MCs at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, and he asked me if I wanted to host the April 9th-12th weekend at Go Bananas, to which I immediately agreed. The comic I got to open six shows for was the incredible Nate Bargatze. This guy is beloved in the standup community and has an unreal amount of credits (Conan, @midnight, an hour special on Comedy Central, a favorite of Jimmy Fallon, to name a few). This weekend, besides the Sunday show where a lady got offended by one of my inoffensive and highly personal jokes, went incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I learned a ton and got to hang out with some awesome people.

Yeah, I had an incredible streak of two and a half weeks where literally everything went right, and while this streak was going on, I knew at some point that it'd be over and I'd come back down to earth. And boy did I. First, in early April, I made the mistake at my job at Toby Keith's of acting like a babydaddy from the Maury show in front of the all black kitchen staff. They were understandably offended, and in the blink of an eye, I went from potential big money during Reds season to being fired. I was distraught for awhile, but at a job where I was looked down upon and made fun of almost every shift, it was a semi relief. I was also hoping to get a girlfriend by the end of the school year after losing a shit ton of weight and gaining confidence. In a stretch of three weeks, I was turned down by two girls. I was depressed for a bit, but now I'm back on my feet and doing well. I have a new job at Dewey's Pizza, and I have new methods to try and get a girlfriend (one of which, ironically, is to stop trying super hard).

My life has taken some crazy turns recently, but I'm still the same goofy fuck I was since the last post. Here's to another crazy few months! Anyway, more later!