Sunday, February 28, 2010

"PETA Has Nixed A Plan"

The IOC may take back a bronze medal won by the Chinese Gymnastic team in 2000. Apparently one of the team members was too young. To which the 2008 Olympics stood up and said, "Just one? Amateurs."

Barry Bonds' wife has filed for divorce after twelve years of marriage. Talk about a shot in the arm that he didn't want.

Joe Biden was overheard at the Health Care Summit saying that it is easy to be Vice President because "You don't have to do anything." Strangely enough, George Bush said the exact same thing about being President.

Bill Clinton reportedly called Tiger Woods before his news conference. During the phone conversation, Clinton asked Tiger, "Hillary isn't here. Can I borrow one of your mistresses?"

Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. When asked why, Gatorade said, "Tiger thought the slogan was "Is it in somebody else?"".

I think the NCAA Basketball plumbing system is finally working. How do I know? Number 1 and Number 2 went down the crapper on Saturday.

Wide receiver Terrell Owens will not be offered a new contract by the Buffalo Bills. Wait, he got paid last year?!?!? In Buffalo?!?!?

Dominican pitcher Maximo Nelson has been arrested by Japanese police after a live bullet was found in his bag at an airport in Okinawa. In his defense, Nelson claimed that the bullet in his bag was just his fastball.

Their is a new iPhone app that stops people from snooping through your iPhone. I came up with that app the day the iPhone came out. It's called "My Pocket".

PETA has nixed a plan to use Tiger Woods' image on a billboard urging people to spay and neuter their pets. The billboard will say, "If your dog has as much sex as this person, odds are that your dog is going to be a daddy".

Friday, February 26, 2010

"A Profanity Free Week"

A 1939 comic book with the debut of Batman has sold for $1 Million. However, when he saw the price on the cover, he asked for a refund of $999,999.90.

The California Legislature is voting to declare a profanity free week. So far the vote is 50/50. Half said "aye" and the other half said "F*** no".

Toyota Chief Akio Toyoda toured a company plant in Kentucky and says the company is at a crossroads. Wait, Kentucky has roads?

Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. My Chemistry teacher, Mr. Venditto, is doing the exact same thing with my class. He doesn't think we know the element Lead like we should.

Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. It's called a Kindergarten diploma.

A government panel is now recommending that virtually all Americans get a flu shot each year, starting this fall. Except, of course, for Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney.

A Bollywood filmmaker has issued a lucrative challenge to horror movie fans: a $10,000 reward for anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller, alone, in a cinema until the closing credits. I'm assuming the film is really scary or really crappy.

Lawyers for U.S. pop singer Prince agreed Friday to pay substantial damages for his unexplained cancellation of a 2008 concert in Ireland's largest stadium. I guess nobody had the heart to tell him that he can't sing anymore.

The Minnesota Vikings are apparently "OK" while Brett Favre decides whether he wants to return or not. No wonder they are OK with it. They've gotten used to that every year.

Growing Pains star Andrew Koenig had a long battle with depression before his apparent suicide. Somebody should have told him a long time ago to stop watching reruns of Growing Pains.

Shaquille O'Neal sustained a "significant" right thumb sprain that forced him to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers' game Thursday night against Boston. This wasn't all bad for the Cavs. At least Shaq didn't have to get fouled.

Desiree Rogers is stepping down from her post as social secretary, effective next month, two White House aides said Friday. However, her contribution level will not change.

That's it for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"Female-Only Toilets"

Toyota president Akio Toyoda testified before a Congressional committee on the recent troubles with the company’s cars. He also begged Congress to let him get a legal name change.

Carter’s, the baby apparel company, named a new board member, Wednesday. The company liked the success that he had at eTrade.

Starting next month, Japans All Nippon Airways will provide female-only toilets on most international flights. The main difference is that the seat puts itself down.

A new study finds that eating a lot of fat, especially the kind that's in cookies and pastries, can significantly raise the risk of stroke for women over 50. This study also suggested that Osama was behind 9/11 and that teenage pregnancy is up.

A study says that faces can give away a person's political party affiliation. For example, you can tell someone is Republican if their face has tears on it.

A study says that cigarette smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. Their IQs are especially lower when it comes to the dangers of smoking.

R&B star Chris Brown doesn’t think anyone has the right to judge Tiger Woods. Who's going to defend him next? John Edwards?

Lindsay Lohan said that her love of women "surprised her". No, not that she loved women, but that anyone would love her back.

That's all I have for today, and I hope to have better jokes tomorrow!

Just made the Laughlines Blog!

It was also the featured joke when you search my name!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"The Greatest Excuse Ever"

Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.

A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".

Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?

Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.

“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.

The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.

In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.

An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.

Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.

A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.

Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.

Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.

More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.

That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"The Ways To Be Happy"

An Afghan native has admitted that he planned to bomb the New York subway system. Come to think of it, the New York subway system can't get any worse.

The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Both Leno and Palin plan to ask each other, "Why did you quit so early?"

The US Men’s Olympic Hockey team defeated Team Canada for the first time in 50 years. If only the US Health Care system could say the same thing.

A study says the ways to be happy include being grateful, optimistic, and counting your blessings. The study was then withdrawn when the researchers realized that Americans have nothing to be grateful or optimistic about.

John Daly has signed an underwear endorsement deal. Daly is ecstatic. Now he gets his size 8XL pairs of underwear for free.

The president of Toyota's U.S. operations acknowledged to lawmakers on Tuesday that the company's recalls of millions of its cars may "not totally" solve the problem of sudden and dangerous acceleration. I totally agree. They have to get there first.

A Facebook group entitled "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback" actually has more fans than Nickelback. In response, Nickelback wanted to take that group and Burn It To The Ground.

Monday, February 22, 2010

"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

"Negotiating A Blockbuster Deal"

There are reports that the St. Louis Rams and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are negotiating a blockbuster deal. That is, Tampa Bay trades their starting quarterback for a Blockbuster gift card.

A man who is only 22 inches (56 centimeters) tall left his home country of Nepal on Sunday in a quest to be recognized as the world's shortest man. It's not a matter of whether he'll be recognized, I think he has to be seen.

A governor who once led national Democrats say President Barack Obama's White House needs to change its political strategy. Oh NOW this guy speaks up.

For tech-savvy singles who are unlucky in love, Twitter has come up with a new dating site to make those singles even more unlucky.

Tiger Woods said in his apology yesterday, "I'm sorry for everything that I have done." Everything? More like "Everyone"...

This obesity epidemic is getting out of hand. It's so bad that even fat people are too lazy to drive to McDonalds.

Many experts are saying that "The Biggest Loser" pushes contestants too hard. I agree. It's hard enough for them to get off the couch to make microwave burritos, now they have to exercise?

I wonder what police officers do if they find marijuana in someone's pocket. It would either be classified as evidence of why the guy should be arrested or why they eat so many donuts.

Free-agent slugger Carlos Delgado is expected to be sidelined for four months after undergoing hip surgery in Colorado. I think he's old enough to be having hip replacement surgery now.

The hit squad that killed a senior Hamas official in Dubai may have entered the country using diplomatic passports. It's also the first time that Dubai has had anything diplomatic.

That's it for now! More tomorrow!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"

Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.

Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"

A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.

A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.

The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.

The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.

Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.

A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.

Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.

FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.

Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!

Friday, February 19, 2010

"Rang The Opening Bell"

Sadie, the Scottish Terrier that won the Westminster Dog Show, rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Thursday. Sadly, she was the most qualified to run the NYSE.

A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.

The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.

The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.

Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".

An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.

Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.

An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.

I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"Too Fat By 2020"

A study of King Tut's body has shown that he probably died due to complications stemming from malaria and a broken leg. Now I'm still not sure how Ken Griffey Jr. didn't die in Cincinnati.

The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.

NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.

A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.

A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...

A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".

That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Laughlines Blog - My 20th!!!

The 20th time I've made the Laughlines Blog!!!!!!!!! - It's the last one!

"Ill-Fitting Condoms"

Retiring Sen. Evan Bayh says the public should apply an electoral “shock” to the American political system. I disagree. I would apply an electrical "shock" to the American political system.

Scientists think that the parents of the famous pharaoh King Tut were most likely brother and sister. He must have been born in the small Egyptian town of Alabama.

A new study found that many men complain about ill-fitting condoms. Wait, Americans use condoms?

The US Olympic men’s hockey team goalie, Ryan Miller, had the phrase “Miller Time” painted on his mask, but Olympics officials made him cover it up. Still no word on the US's right wing, Johnny Hammer.

A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year. That same study suggests that Britons have the same mentality when it comes to their teeth.

In a recent survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, 43% of the respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex. The other 57% of Canadians are not considered clinically obese.

A recent study has found that 1 in 3 Americans participate in online dating. Talk about a country living in eHarmony.

A man named Robin Hood has been arrested for Identity Theft. Police first became suspicious when they saw him with the credit cards of Alan-a-Dale, Maid Marian, and Friar Tuck.

Toyota is considering a recall of its hot-selling Corolla subcompact after complaints about power steering problems. Toyota has had problems with the accelerator, brakes, and now the steering wheel. Anyone still driving a Toyota nowadays should consider a suicide prevention program.

"Tonight Show" band director Kevin Eubanks says he may be leaving the show. This is quite shocking. Someone could choose whether they wanted to leave the Tonight Show?

These are some of my best jokes I have ever come up with - all in one day! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"$27 Million Observation Deck"

Utah is considering eliminating 12th grade for students who finish with the requirements early. One of the requirements makes them fit in with Utah adults and high school students around the country: the boys must have more than one girlfriend.

A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".

"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.

Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.

President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?

Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.

Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.

Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!

Monday, February 15, 2010

"He Is Undecided"

Youtube has reached its fifth anniversary. The party is already in full swing. Piano playing cats are already providing music.

This is National Condom Week. Teenagers around the country have already decided not to celebrate.

Dick Cheney says he is undecided as to whether he’d support Sarah Palin for president in the next election. Or, as Sarah calls it, "Hey, a hunting buddy!".

World number one Roger Federer thinks he has more drive than rival Rafael Nadal and will make keeping the top ranking his main goal. Tiger Woods once made a very similar quote. "I had a shorter drive than anybody and I prefer to be on the bottom."

The government has received new complaints that bring to 34 the total number of alleged deaths in Toyota vehicles due to sudden acceleration since 2000, according to government data posted Monday. In a related story, the US's official palindrome has been changed to "A Toyota's a Toyota".

Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

"The Best Since 2003"

Several dating web sites are matching up couples who have the same illness. Their slogan: "The gift that keeps on giving will now be the gift that your partner already has".

Airline on time arrivals in 2009 were the best since 2003. In the eyes of comedy writers, they really were the best.

Just hours after a bipartisan jobs bill was unveiled in Washington, Thursday, Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid killed it. I guess he was mad because the paper the bill was printed on was white and with no negro dialect.

One in six US adults carried a smart phone, last year. However, while the adults were driving, those numbers rose to five in six.

A Web designer is hawking square inches of an empty lot in Detroit for a dollar each to show what can be done with vacant spaces. He may as well have sold the entire city of Detroit.

Some mental health advocates are pushing to have "orthorexia", which is classified as an obsession with eating only healthy foods. This is also being classified as the rarest disease in the history of America.

New York City could raise $222 million a year from a proposed new tax on sugary soft drinks. $222 million dollars? That's like an entire New York Yankee.

Have you seen the men's speedskating for the Olympics? That's the fastest thing I've seen on NBC since Leno's career in Primetime.

Sorry it was so late! My parents were being stupid about this. More tomorrow.

Friday, February 12, 2010

"Stealing Company Secrets"

A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.

Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.

A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.

"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".

Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.

Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...

DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".

Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

"70 Inches Of Snow"

Singer John Mayer is apologizing for saying in the March issue of “Playboy” that Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm”. Then again, isn't sexual napalm the whole point of Playboy?

A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.

Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".

A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.

Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?

A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...

The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.

Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I made the Laughlines Blog!

This morning, for the 19th time, I made the NY Times Laughlines Blog!

"The First Female President"

A study says that drivers and cars are ill-equipped to cope with panic situations. The study has been entitled, "Road Rage".

During New Orleans’ parade honoring the Super Bowl champion Saints Tuesday, police were ordered to restrict the appearance of boobs. Police said, "Please don't flash your boobs at all. That's what Mardi Gras is for."

Rapper Lil Wayne had his sentencing in a weapons case postponed so he could get some dental work done. I'm not sure another grill qualifies as dental work.

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To which Larry King said, "Like hell you are".

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To me, this is a miracle. How did she survive through 50 years of Fidel Castro.

An Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job. You know what that's called here in America? Deal Or No Deal.

The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women. Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn...

Laura Chinchilla of the centre-left National Liberation Party has been elected the first female President of Costa Rica. To which Costa Ricans said, "Oh great, now we are going to be run by a South American rabbit".

Thanks for reading everybody! More to come tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

"Meaner Than She Thought"

Research shows that colors described by people as to how they feel can indicate if they are happy or depressed. We know that, it's called the "Mood Ring".

A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. It surpassed the series finale of M*A*S*H, which ironically, was what the New Orleans defense did to Peyton Manning.

A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. The sad part: There was a bigger interest in the commercials than the actual game.

Even women watched the Super Bowl. They became especially interested once they saw Oprah.

Nancy Kerrigan's family is disputing the autopsy report on their father's death after a fight. Nancy claimed that she was aiming for Tonya Harding.

A majority of the top-grossing films in recent years have featured food and beverage product placements -- with junk food and fast-food restaurants grabbing most of the starring roles, a new study finds. In a related story, President Obama plans to dispute this study with an executive order called "Operation Twilight".

Ellen DeGeneres, the newest judge on "American Idol," says Simon Cowell is "meaner" than she thought. And she wasn't even at the auditions.

Speedy outfielder Willy Taveras has been released by the Oakland Athletics. Can you find ANY statement to be more ironic?

San Antonio Spurs guard George Hill is apologizing for nude pictures of himself that were recently posted online. At least it wasn't Grant Hill.

A North Carolina court has temporarily stopped the security rules that a judge issued for the retrieval of the John Edwards sex tape. That's because when it comes to John Edwards, there are no rules.

That's it for now! Congrats to Drew Brees and the Saints on their Super Bowl victory!

Monday, February 8, 2010

"International Flirting Week"

Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.

The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.

Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.

Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.

A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.

Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".

Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?

A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.

There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.

Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.

-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"

A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.

Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

"Rubbing Their Eyes"

Hello everyone! These are my posts for Super Bowl Sunday of 2010!

Super Bowl viewers were rubbing their eyes over a TV spot pairing CBS late-night host David Letterman with longtime NBC rival Jay Leno, plus Oprah Winfrey. This was the 1st official gathering of the "older people who are somehow rich and famous".

Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge have broken up. I guess Jamie Lynn took Casey to school and Casey failed his favorite class: Zoey 101.

Police say a 13-year-old girl led state troopers on a nine-mile chase in central Pennsylvania at speeds of more than 100 mph. No, she wasn't running from the police. She was just in a Toyota and she couldn't stop it.

Police arrested a man they say tried to take their candy bars. What happened to the stereotype of police officers who just eat donuts?

Police in southern Germany said an officer has been suspended from duty after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during a service. However, still no word on the status of the priests.

Well, that's it! I know it's limited, but bye!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

"That Hopey Changey Thing"

Hello to my limited supply of readers! These are my jokes for February 6, 2010!

Sarah Palin is saying the policies of President Barack Obama and Democratic leaders in Congress will be short-lived. Actually, she had to say that. That was part of her contract with FOX News.

A Louisiana high school student was sent home for wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey to school. No, not because it was a Colts jersey, but because the shoulder had a "Super Bowl Champions 2010" patch.

Sarah Palin had some pointed advice to President Barack Obama on Saturday night: "Stop lecturing and start listening." To which Obama said, "Right back atcha".

Sarah Palin also told Obama, "How's that hopey changey thing working out for you?" Sadly, that was the most intelligent grammar she had all night.

A 13 year old football player has committed to play at USC starting in 2015. He has to wait until 2015? USC would be better off if he came now.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch proposed to his girlfriend on the track at Daytona International Speedway. To which NASCAR fans said, "Awww... Now they ain't just cuzins no more are they?"

Washington DC was hit by three feet of snow today. No wonder Chris Matthews forgot that President Obama was black. He was covered in snow.

Pete Wentz says talk of Fall Out Boy's demise has been blown out of proportion — but he isn't sure when the rock band will performing together again. Now I know where "Fall Out" came from.

Eagle protection agencies have been seeing eagles that are oddly sick because of food they ate. It's gotten so bad that instead of bird poop landing on people, it has been bird puke.

Jersey Shore is all about fake boobs, drunk people, abs, and hookups. Jersey Shore? Why not call it "Jersey Whores"?

Well that's it everyone! Thanks for reading!

Friday, February 5, 2010

"The Most Drunk City In The US"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!

Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.

Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.

A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...

Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".

A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.

Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancĂ©. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.

Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.

NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.

Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".

Thursday, February 4, 2010

"Toyota's New Slogan"

Hi everybody! Happy laughing at these monologue jokes!

Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.

A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).

Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...

The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.

NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.

A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.

Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.

Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.

A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.

A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".

Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.

A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.

An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.

About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.

Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!

P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"Worst Actress Of The Decade"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today!

Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?

A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.

Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?

Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)

A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.

A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?

Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...

You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.

New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.

A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.

Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!

Just made the Laughlines Blog!

I just made the Laughlines blog this morning!

Congratulations to me, Alan Ray, Jerry Perisho, and Will Durst for making it as well!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"An Outdoor Worship Area"

Hello everybody! These are my jokes for today!

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".

An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.

An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.

The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.

Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".

A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.

A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website:

CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.

Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!

Monday, February 1, 2010

"Drivers Distracted By Cell Phones"

A study says that laws that are aimed at drivers distracted by cell phones and other devices don't prevent crashes. The study was conducted in China.

The Yankees are taking the World Series Trophy with them on their trip to Asia. They will tell possible future Yankees, "Look, we have credentials".

The winner of the Miss USA pageant went to Miss Virginia. This marks the first time in history that a Miss USA pageant winner had anything to do with "Virgin".

There were 53 contestants in this year’s Miss America Pageant. Or, as George Bush called it, "One for every state".

Miley Cyrus and Megan Fox are nominated in the Razzies' worst-actress category. The runaway winner: Both of them.

Well, that's all, everyone! Come back tomorrow for even more!