"Toyota's New Slogan"

Hi everybody! Happy laughing at these monologue jokes!

Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.

A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).

Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...

The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.

NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.

A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.

Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.

Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.

A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.

A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".

Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.

A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.

An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.

About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.

Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!

P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.