"Rang The Opening Bell"

Sadie, the Scottish Terrier that won the Westminster Dog Show, rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Thursday. Sadly, she was the most qualified to run the NYSE.

A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.

The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.

The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.

Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".

An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.

Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.

An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.

I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!