Sunday, May 29, 2011

"The Fire In My Belly"

A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".

Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.

A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".

A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".

Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.

A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".

Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"

The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.

That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"His Rapture Prediction"

In the California prison system, there are reports of 54 people sharing a single toilet. At the same time.

Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.

60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.

A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.

A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.

Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 23, 2011

"Allergic To Electricity"

Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".

A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.

Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.

The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?

Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.

The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

"Mentally Incapable"

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.

Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.

Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.

A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.

A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.

Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 16, 2011

"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"

Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.

NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).

Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.

The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.

Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.

A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

"50 Pound Breast Implants"

A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.

A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.

In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?

Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.

Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.

STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"Viagra Condom"

President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.

A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.

Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.

A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.

Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 9, 2011

"Water And Trail Mix"

South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.

Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".

Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.

Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.

Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".

Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.

A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Monologue Jokes Special: Self-Deprecation

A new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. And I fall under the category of "really obese people have no sex lives".

Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.

Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a makeover.

President Obama says there will be no death pictures of Osama Bin Laden, saying they are "too gruesome". Too gruesome? Has he seen my pictures on Facebook?

KISS’ Paul Stanley is urging teens to turn down their music to protect their ears. He is also urging everybody to cover their ears when I start telling my crappy jokes.

President Obama visited Ground Zero after Osama bin Laden's death. And conveniently enough, "Ground Zero" is where my "Skills with women" rating is.

Fortunately, that's all I have for today!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

"Death Over Capture"

Police in Las Vegas arrested rapper Flavor Flav. He used his teeth to pay his bail.

Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?

Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.

The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.

A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?

The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 2, 2011

"Confirmed Dead"

Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.

Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.

President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."

Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...

The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.

When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".

Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden is confirmed dead. Here is my final rant on Osama. Viewer discretion is advised.

Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.

Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.