Thursday, May 5, 2011

Monologue Jokes Special: Self-Deprecation

A new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. And I fall under the category of "really obese people have no sex lives".

Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.

Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a makeover.

President Obama says there will be no death pictures of Osama Bin Laden, saying they are "too gruesome". Too gruesome? Has he seen my pictures on Facebook?

KISS’ Paul Stanley is urging teens to turn down their music to protect their ears. He is also urging everybody to cover their ears when I start telling my crappy jokes.

President Obama visited Ground Zero after Osama bin Laden's death. And conveniently enough, "Ground Zero" is where my "Skills with women" rating is.

Fortunately, that's all I have for today!

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