Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Showing posts with label Weird. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weird. Show all posts
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Saturday, December 10, 2011
"Sex With Animals"
McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Medical Bills"
Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Monday, October 31, 2011
"Nokia Lunia"
Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
"Asthma Inhalers"
The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Straw Poll"
The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Alligator Fat"
A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, August 19, 2011
"The Most Debt"
An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"A Referee's Error"
In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Using The F-Word"
Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Sentenced To Death"
There will be not be any No. 1 seeds in this year’s NCAA Final Four. In fact, my bracket is more screwed up than Gary Busey's face.
A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.
The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".
Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.
President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.
The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".
Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.
President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"310-975-5732"
A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"Toxic Ingredients"
The L.A. TV reporter who broke down into gibberish on air at the Grammys was suffering a migraine headache. She must have heard Justin Bieber's performance.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Staying Single"
Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 17, 2011
"Trying To Lure"
The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Sneezed The Bullet"
California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 24, 2010
"Shorter Life Spans"
Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
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