"Too Sexy"

Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.

Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".

A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.

A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.

A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.

A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.

An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.

The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.

Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!