Friday, April 29, 2011

"Acting Classes"

I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.

Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.

Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.

A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.

A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.

Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.

A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"The New Voice"

Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?

The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.

Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?

A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.

Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, April 25, 2011

"Not Running For President"

A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.

“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.

Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".

Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.

This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.

The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.

That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Shorter Relationships"

Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.

A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.

A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.

A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".

A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.

There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.

That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"Cheery People"

A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.

Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.

Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".

An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.

A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"Absolutely Good"

NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.

Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".

A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.

There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?

That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!

Monday, April 18, 2011

"Hesitant Speech"

An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?

A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.

Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.

Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.

A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, April 15, 2011

"Their Own Advice"

Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.

A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.

A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.

Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.

Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?

Florida is close to passing a “baggy pants” bill that would ticket people for wearing their pants too low. Isn't that racial profiling?

Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.

Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.

FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"A YouTube Video"

Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.

An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.

Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.

California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.

A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".

Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.

An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.

Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, April 11, 2011

"Off The Air"

Former Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is going to run for the New Jersey state senate. I think he's going to win, because we all know how good Carl Lewis is at running.

There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.

The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.

Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?

The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, April 8, 2011

"National Beer Day"

Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?

A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?

A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.

Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?

Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.

Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Signature Phrases"

A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.

Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.

Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.

Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.

Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, April 4, 2011

"A Bookless Library"

President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.

Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.

Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.

Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".

Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".

A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.

Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.

Friday, April 1, 2011

"Ugly Kardashian"

Khloe Kardashian says it’s tough to keep her self esteem when people refer to her as the “ugly Kardashian”. Isn't the "ugly Kardashian" kind of like being named the "shortest of the seven dwarfs"?

There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.

A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are needed. To be fair, scientists say they have already studied homo-sapiens.

The Kansas City Wizards of the MLS will name their stadium "Livestrong Stadium" after the company founded by Lance Armstrong. What do soccer and Lance Armstrong have in common? They are both known for only using one ball at a time.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to speak at Rutgers University. It marks the first time that "Snooki" and "university" are in the same sentence.

April 1st is Jon Gosselin's birthday. Coincidence? Probably not.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!