"Haaave Mercyyyy"

The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.

Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.

The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.

The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.

A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.

Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".

A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.

The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”

Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.

An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.

The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.

Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.

The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.

The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.

That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.

More jokes coming at the end of the month!

"Paradise Lost"

“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.

The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.

Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".

Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.

Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.

Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.

A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...

A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.

Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Officially Resigned"

Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.

A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.

Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?

Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.

Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Using The F-Word"

Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.

Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.

President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.

A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.

A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.

A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Allergic To Electricity"

Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".

A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.

Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.

The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?

Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.

The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Available Online"

Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".

Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.

A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".

Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.

There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.

A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.

Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?

A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.

A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Secession Ball"

South Carolina is holding its annual “Secession Ball”. Unfortunately, half of the ball-goers left early and started their own ball.

Merriam-Webster named “austerity” word of the year for 2010. "Austerity" is a strict economy. That's like "freedom" being the word of the year for North Korea.

A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 puppies. By force of habit, Angelina Jolie adopted 12 of them.

Indianapolis Colts receiver Austin Collie has suffered head injuries in three games this season. The last time I heard "Collie" and "head injuries" in the same sentence, Michael Vick was in court.

Jermaine Jackson says he was robbed of $192,000 in jewelry, furs and clothes. You know what Flavor Flav calls this? His daily outfit.

The Washington Post says the government has created a vast domestic spy network that collects information on Americans. Isn't that called "WikiLeaks"?

Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. Or, as a man would call it, "A worst nightmare".

Blockbuster is planning on closing 182 stores by April. This is expected to come as a shock to Blockbuster's four loyal customers.

Police in New York stopped a driver for running a red light and discovered more than 500 pounds of marijuana inside his minivan. This story is being called, "A day in the life of a cab driver".

The U.S. teen birth rate hit an all-time low in 2009. This is due to the fact that teens would just prefer to watch 16 and Pregnant.

Last night was the premeire of "Million Dollar Money Drop", where contestants are given $1,000,000 and watch it slowly disappear. Or, as Charles Barkley calls it, "Tuesday".

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has sold his memoirs to two publishing houses. The title of his memoirs: FML.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Paid Less"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.

Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.

The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.

Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".

The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.

A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?

A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.

A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.

AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.

An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.

President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?

A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.

A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Food Porn"

The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?

The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?

The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.

Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.

Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.

A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Christian By Choice"

A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.

President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.

A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.

Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.

Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.

Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.

For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.

The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.

TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".

One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".

Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.

The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.

The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.

The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.

President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.

The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.

A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.

Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?

That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!

Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"An Odd Twist"

The government reports that highway deaths in 2009 were at the lowest level since 1954. That's because Toyotas killed people before they could get to the highway.

82% of Americans say they want tougher regulations for Wall Street. The other 18% of Americans work on Wall Street.

A study says that women are guilty of feeling too much guilt, while men tend to be more emotionally detached. The study is being entitled: "The Effects of Marriage".

A new method of brain scan can reporptedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Doctors were surprised when the people's thoughts were, "When is this stupid scan going to be over?"

China has become the world's biggest Internet market. Well nowadays, what market aren't they big in?

Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. Costa Rica has now breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Doris Haddock, a woman who walked across America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. At least she died knowing that she got the job done...

Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. This is an odd twist. Usually when Tiger does that stuff it's not with his wife.

A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. The man has been sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles on his dice.

Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. This sounds like a game of Truth or Dare gone horribly wrong.

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.

A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. The union consists entirely of young female nurses.

Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. The study also said that the children of the mother who took the pill never lived period.

Obesity plus daily drinking boosts the risk of liver disease in men and women, researchers report in two new studies. In other words, if you are a Buffalo Wild Wings regular, you're screwed.

Authorities in Riverside County, California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6. She is now the richest person in California.

Running back Larry Johnson has signed a three-year deal with the Washington Redskins. This is a terrible idea. If he can make fun of gays, I wouldn't be surprised if Native Americans took a little heat as well.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Stealing Company Secrets"

A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.

Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.

A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.

"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".

Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.

Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...

DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".

Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.

"70 Inches Of Snow"

Singer John Mayer is apologizing for saying in the March issue of “Playboy” that Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm”. Then again, isn't sexual napalm the whole point of Playboy?

A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.

Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".

A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.

Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?

A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...

The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.

Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!