Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.
Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”
The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.
A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.
Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.
A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.
Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.
A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.
The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.
Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.
The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.
The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”
38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.
Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.
That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!
Showing posts with label Detroit Lions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Detroit Lions. Show all posts
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"Wine Grape Crop"
US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"A High School Prom"
Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"Low Quality Child Care"
Joke of the Day: Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the win column for the Detroit Lions.
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
"Their First Gay Character"
Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.
88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.
A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.
A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.
A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".
Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.
The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.
Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.
The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.
German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?
A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.
A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.
Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!
88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.
A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.
A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.
A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".
Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.
The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.
Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.
The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.
German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?
A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.
A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.
Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
"A Burrito And A Bag of Funyuns"
Joke of the Day: Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has announced his retirement at age 90. If I didn't say his name, you would have thought I meant Brett Favre.
Tiger Woods was tied for third at the end of the first round of the Masters yesterday. Tiger was tied? If I had a nickel...
Authorities said a man helped himself to a burrito and a bag of Funyuns snacks at a gas station food store in Hastings, Michigan, then told the clerk to call police because he had no money to pay. When you eat a burrito and Funyuns at the same time, oh, you'll be paying for it alright.
Advocates say doctors in Montana have helped at least one patient commit suicide since a court ruled it wasn't illegal. This actually brought the Montana population down to 5 people.
The FDA said Thursday it is taking a close look at an anti-bacterial chemical called Triclosan, which may disrupt the body's hormonal system. The FDA then called the investigation unimportant when they realized that nobody washes their hands anymore.
One team looking to improve this NFL offseason is the Detroit Lions. They have filled major holes on their team. If only they could get rid of that hole on their side of the scoreboard.
A study says that more people would rather be without their TV sets than the Internet. Mostly because you can now watch TV on the Internet.
During its four year run on ABC, "Ugly Betty" paved the way to help society accept Latinos and gays. We already had that show. It's called "Dancing With The Stars".
Police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Sesame Street backpack. Hey, now I know why the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies.
That's all I have! More tomorrow!
Tiger Woods was tied for third at the end of the first round of the Masters yesterday. Tiger was tied? If I had a nickel...
Authorities said a man helped himself to a burrito and a bag of Funyuns snacks at a gas station food store in Hastings, Michigan, then told the clerk to call police because he had no money to pay. When you eat a burrito and Funyuns at the same time, oh, you'll be paying for it alright.
Advocates say doctors in Montana have helped at least one patient commit suicide since a court ruled it wasn't illegal. This actually brought the Montana population down to 5 people.
The FDA said Thursday it is taking a close look at an anti-bacterial chemical called Triclosan, which may disrupt the body's hormonal system. The FDA then called the investigation unimportant when they realized that nobody washes their hands anymore.
One team looking to improve this NFL offseason is the Detroit Lions. They have filled major holes on their team. If only they could get rid of that hole on their side of the scoreboard.
A study says that more people would rather be without their TV sets than the Internet. Mostly because you can now watch TV on the Internet.
During its four year run on ABC, "Ugly Betty" paved the way to help society accept Latinos and gays. We already had that show. It's called "Dancing With The Stars".
Police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Sesame Street backpack. Hey, now I know why the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies.
That's all I have! More tomorrow!
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