"Coronavirus Fears"

Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.

Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”

The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.

A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.

Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.

Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.

The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.

Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.

The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.

The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”

38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.

Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.

That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!