Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.
NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.
Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.
A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.
Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.
Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.
A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.
Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.
Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.
Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.
A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.
Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.
A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.
Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.
A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.
The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.
Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2020
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"The Fire In My Belly"
A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
"Killing Elephants"
A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"The Kama Sutra"
Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"Gay HIV Transmission"
KFC plans to double its presence in Africa, expanding up to 1200 locations. Meanwhile, in America, KFC has doubled the presence of most Americans.
Former “Baywatch” star and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. I wonder what would give that man the idea to do that.
Scientists in Kenya found a rare and very odd-looking fly, called the “terrible hairy fly”. Doesn't that sound like what a five-year old would call it?
A German man is under arrest after police found a 6-foot-tall marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree. One thing's for sure: those cookies weren't making it to Santa.
Iowa’s Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was suspended from the team due to charges he maintained a drug house. Isn't that called a college dorm room?
Texas defensive end Sam Acho won the award for college’s top scholar athlete. He absolutely deserves to win. At one point, his GPA was above 2.0.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. After a game like that, who in their right mind would give the game ball to the Jets?
Singer Aretha Franklin reportedly has cancer. Did she not read the health warning on her hats?
Cats reportedly help kids avoid skin disease. Unless they are allergic.
A new study says that circumcision may not cure gay HIV transmission. Thanks for the tip!
A poll says that nearly half of Americans think China has the world’s strongest economy. The other half don't shop at Walmart.
A report says that one in four people released from Guantanamo Bay prison return to terrorist activities. I'm glad these people are learning their lesson.
A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. These voters are called "the wealthy".
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” will be inside the ball that will be dropped at Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Hopefully they leave her in there forever.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Former “Baywatch” star and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. I wonder what would give that man the idea to do that.
Scientists in Kenya found a rare and very odd-looking fly, called the “terrible hairy fly”. Doesn't that sound like what a five-year old would call it?
A German man is under arrest after police found a 6-foot-tall marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree. One thing's for sure: those cookies weren't making it to Santa.
Iowa’s Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was suspended from the team due to charges he maintained a drug house. Isn't that called a college dorm room?
Texas defensive end Sam Acho won the award for college’s top scholar athlete. He absolutely deserves to win. At one point, his GPA was above 2.0.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. After a game like that, who in their right mind would give the game ball to the Jets?
Singer Aretha Franklin reportedly has cancer. Did she not read the health warning on her hats?
Cats reportedly help kids avoid skin disease. Unless they are allergic.
A new study says that circumcision may not cure gay HIV transmission. Thanks for the tip!
A poll says that nearly half of Americans think China has the world’s strongest economy. The other half don't shop at Walmart.
A report says that one in four people released from Guantanamo Bay prison return to terrorist activities. I'm glad these people are learning their lesson.
A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. These voters are called "the wealthy".
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” will be inside the ball that will be dropped at Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Hopefully they leave her in there forever.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Monday, November 15, 2010
"Hidden In Her Bra"
A new survey says “spillcam” and “vuvuzela” are the top words for 2010. While we're talking about the list of things that annoy the hell out of us, why not say "Alex Schubert".
Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.
A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?
200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".
A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?
The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".
Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.
President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.
The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.
A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?
200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".
A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?
The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".
Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.
President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.
The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"A Group Of Stars"
Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"A One-Legged Boxer"
Joke of the Day: CNBC is reporting that Americans are $6.6 Trillion short of the amount of money they need to retire. And you thought Brett Favre couldn't make up his mind before...
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Awarded To Kansas City"
Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Cognitive Capabilities"
Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Friday, April 2, 2010
"Sex Crazed And Very Cheap"
A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.
Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.
The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".
With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?
Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.
The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.
Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.
Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.
A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.
The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".
With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?
Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.
The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.
Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.
Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.
A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
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