Thursday, September 30, 2010

"Being Dishonest"

President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".

Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.

Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.

Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.

A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".

A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.

Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.

The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.

A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.

Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.

A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?

A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.

Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.

McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.

That's all for today! More today!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"Christian By Choice"

A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.

President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.

A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.

Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.

Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.

Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.

For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.

The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.

TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".

One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".

Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.

The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.

The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.

The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.

President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.

The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.

A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.

Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?

That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!

Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Not A Human Being"

Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.

Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.

Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".

The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...

Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.

A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.

Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.

ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?

Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.

A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?

A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".

McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?

Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".

The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.

That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!

Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.

Monday, September 27, 2010

"A Huge Fireball"

Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.

Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.

Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".

A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.

Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.

A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.

A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.

The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.

A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?

Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?

Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.

That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

"Suicide Note"

A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?

Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.

Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.

A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.

A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.

White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".

A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.

New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.

Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, September 24, 2010

"Cut In Half"

Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.

Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.

Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.

An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.

Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.

A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.

The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.

A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.

“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.

Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.

Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.

The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".

A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?

Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"She Is Bored"

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will join Randy Jackson as “American Idol” judges next season. This once again proves that you don't need talent to judge other people's singing.

A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?

The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.

The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.

Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.

Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.

Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.

The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.

A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.

A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

"Broke His Leg"


Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.

Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?

President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.

NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.

Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.

British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.

Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.

A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.

Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...

A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.

The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?

A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

"Known And Unknown"

After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.

Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.

Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?

Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.

Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.

The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?

A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".

Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.

Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?

A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?

Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.

Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.

That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!

Monday, September 20, 2010

"Contagious Yawning"

Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell says she dabbled in witchcraft more than a decade ago in high school. Larry King even remembers the days when witchcraft was punishable by death.

The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".

The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".

The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.

The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.

Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.

The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.

A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"Gigantic Home Run"

Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".

Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.

Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.

Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".

U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.

That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!

Friday, September 17, 2010

"A Wussy Game"

Reggie Bush said Thursday that giving up his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt”. Yeah, and I allowed the repo man to take my car, but I clearly made the payments.

NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.

NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.

A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.

Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?

Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.

An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.

A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.

The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.

A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.

A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.

A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"A One-Legged Boxer"

Joke of the Day: CNBC is reporting that Americans are $6.6 Trillion short of the amount of money they need to retire. And you thought Brett Favre couldn't make up his mind before...

Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...

New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".

Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.

The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.

According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.

A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.

A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.

The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?

Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.

A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"Working While Sick"

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.

A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.

Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.

A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?

Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.

A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.

A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?

A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.

The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.

President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.

A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.

A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.

LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.

A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"A Slime Highway"

Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.

Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".

Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.

A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.

Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.

A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.

A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?

U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?

The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".

Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.

A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?

The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.

“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.

The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?

Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?

Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.

That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!

Monday, September 13, 2010

"Armed With A Spatula"

Joke of the Day: Police in California killed an enraged man who it turns out was only armed with a spatula. Authorities are still trying to determine what caused this man to flip.

The number of Americans living in poverty is on track for a record increase. In fact, in a few years, the term "poverty" could be the same as "average".

Sunday was Grandparents Day. Of course, not many grandparents were able to remember.

A Wisconsin street musician hit an observer with his guitar. Now he knows how to be an on-stage performer.

Scientists say they may have found a cure for the nation’s ailing bats. They're called "steroids".

A Saudi diplomat told NBC he feels his life is in danger if he goes back home because of his lifestyle. To which Pastor Terry Jones said, "Oh, you think you're in trouble in Saudi Arabia because of your lifestyle?".

Researchers say that as Americans get older, they tend to eat out less. And when they do, they go at around 4:30.

Jamaican runner Bobby-Gaye Wilkins has been banned two years for doping. The Tour de France has offered him a sponsorship deal.

A study says that men are more susceptible to memory problems than women when they get older. To which my dad said, "Men are more susceptible to what? I forget."

That's all I have for today! In my opinion, it was an unbelievable day for jokes! More coming tomorrow!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

"Entirely In Klingon"

President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.

The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.

A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.

An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.

Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.

Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.

The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?

China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.

Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.

A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?

A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.

Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".

Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day off today

I apologize to the faithful reader that I have, but I will be taking a day off today. It's quite unfortunate that it has to be on 9/11, a day filled with sadness, but I just don't feel like writing any jokes for today. However, there is one that I wrote a while ago that is good for today. (no insensitivity intended)

September 11th is No News Is Good News Day. September 11th? Bad News? Nooooo...

We will never forget!

Friday, September 10, 2010

"Wrong Predictions"

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.

According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.

China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.

A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?

Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.

Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.

A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.

President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.

An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?

Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.

A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".

Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"

Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".

Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.

Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".

Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.

Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.

Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.

Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.

Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.

A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".

Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".

A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.

Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.

NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

"An Alleged Miracle"

Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.

A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.

Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.

The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.

Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.

The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.

Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.

A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?

New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.

One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.

“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Disillusionment And Divorce"

Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.

Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.

A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.

President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?

The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?

Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.

Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.

A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.

A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.

Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Monday, September 6, 2010

"Partially Nude Cyclists"

Hundreds of naked and partially nude cyclists have pedaled their way through Philadelphia to promote cleaner air. I would think fully clothed people would have gotten the message through a little better.

A Virginia woman ate 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes, beating world eating champ Joey Chestnut. And she still doesn't want to be called fat.

Kanye West is still feeling the pain over his ambush of Taylor Swift last year. In fact, it's so bad, people think "Heartless" was written about Kanye.

That's all I have for today. I'm sorry, I would write more, but I'm really tired. More jokes tomorrow!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

"Computational Creativity"

Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".

According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?

Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.

The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?

Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

"Moving To Florida"

After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.

A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.

The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.

A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.

Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?

An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?

Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.

A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.

Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, September 3, 2010

"Agreed To Sell Itself"

Burger King agreed to sell itself for $3.26 billion. Or, as Burger King calls it, "One billion whoppers".

A new study in LA County says that 98% of restaurants pass health inspections. The other 2% are named, "The Sizzler".

A survey says that 72% of adults are texting now. The other 28% of adults do not own a cell phone.

A study says that 25% of the people working now were unemployed at some point during the recession. The other 75% of people are what scientists call "a kiss-ass".

A new study finds that some users of the weight-loss pill Meridia may have an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. Isn't that what it's supposed to prevent?

People who take bone-strengthening drugs for several years may have a slightly higher risk of esophageal cancer, a new study suggests. Patients on those drugs find this concept difficult to swallow.

Ben Roethlisberger's suspension has been reduced from six to four games. And all this time he liked hearing, "You've been very bad".

Canadian parents are more lenient with their children than mothers and fathers in France and Italy, according to a new study. Especially when it comes to dating advice.

A Japanese man drove the wrong way down an expressway for 55 miles. In related news, Asia has given him "Driver of the Year Award".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

"Kicked The Habit"

Joke of the Day: A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. That's like having a porno series on the Disney Channel.

The maker of Botox settled a federal investigation into its marketing practices. They did this by keeping a smile on their face the entire time; mainly because they couldn't help it.

An 18-year-old South Dakota student who stockpiled bombs in his bedroom wanted to be “the world’s most infamous sociopath.” Yes, every teenage boy's dream is to be a sociopath.

Tiger Woods has reportedly taken out a $54 Million mortgage on his house to pay off his ex-wife Elin. For once, Tiger Woods paid off a woman for a reason other than hush money.

A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. Why? Was Larry The Cable Guy not available?

President Obama says that peace in the Middle East is doable in a year. Then Paris Hilton interrupted President Obama and said, "Like hell it is".

A study says that CEOs who laid off more people made more money since the economy crashed. The study was coordinated at the Lehman Brothers headquarters.

A study says that young women make more money than their male co-workers. They do the same amount of work. I wonder how they earn that...

A study says that coffee may combat high blood pressure. In the end, both of these things lead to the same thing: going absolutely crazy.

Stephen Hawking said that God did not create the universe. Excuse me, my bad. Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer said that God did not create the universe.

A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after receiving intensive specialist care. Intensive care? How about a key and lock?

Older people prefer to read negative news stories about the young, possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves, a new study suggests. Based on what has happened recently, the older people should feel like children again.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

"September Effect"

The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?

An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.

Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.

President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".

Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".

The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?

The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.

A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.

The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!