Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Beyonce Led All Winners"

Hello everyone! It's already 1/12 through the year 2010! Here are some of my jokes for the day!

At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?

And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.

Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?

MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.

It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?

Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

"Sexual Encounters With Other Men"

Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today!

J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. If a recluse dies, how do people find out?

J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. He asks that nobody show up to his funeral.

The son of a well-known Alcoa pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument. Talk about a "son of a gun".

In a far-fetched Internet rumor, 15-year-old singer Justin Bieber was shot dead in a New York nightclub. To make the rumor more believable, the killer was reported to have a strong hatred for really bad music.

Taylor Lautner was rumored to be dead because of strippers and cocaine. He was saved by the millions of teenage girls who really wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth.

U.S. wages in 2009 at the smallest rise on record at only 1.5%. Well, the wages of the worker on Main Street dropped dramatically, but undeserving SOB's at the insurance companies evened the bar.

Officials say a bird has been darting into traffic outside Glendale Community College since it was first reported Nov. 20. Nobody knows why, but the chicken said he still doesn't know the answer to "Why did the chicken cross the road".

Eleven inmates at an Arizona prison were injured after a fight broke out at a complex west of Phoenix Saturday afternoon. Here's the scary part: the fight only involved three people.

Tiger Woods was reported to have sexual encounters with other men. I guess it wasn't just his green jackets that were in the closet...

Friday, January 29, 2010

"Pork Will Spice Up Your Sex Life"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes from January 29, 2009.

Joan Rivers says that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are not funny. Look, Jay and Conan can easily make funny faces. Joan just tries to.

John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with his mistress. We know it's John because at the end, he walks up to the camera and says, "I'm John Edwards, and I approved this message."

Argentina’s President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork will spice up your sex life, even more than Viagra. The possible titles of her speech have been narrowed down to: "Bigger is Better", "More to Love", and "Viva McDonald's".

In an interview on a Cincinnati radio station this morning, rocker Ozzy Osbourne said that if he were a character in a movie, he would like Denzel Washington to play his character. Really? I was thinking Dick Clark... (ZERO insensitivity intended WHATSOEVER)

Terrorists are now trying to buy Botox because the key ingredient in Botox can be used to kill people. This forever justifies the saying, "Looks can kill".

New York City's transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken aboard a subway. The investigation has come to the following conclusion: They have never seen someone in a Subway treat a chicken with kindness.

A marijuana megastore has opened in Oakland. The weird thing about that: The Raiders were customers of the month, and they weren't even open.

Singer and guitarist Willie Nelson canceled a North Carolina concert because of a bum hand. Right after he got off the stage, he began the grueling process of not filing his taxes.

St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson has been accused of beating his girlfriend who was nine months pregnant with the couple's child at his Las Vegas home last year. This is the first time that you can put "St. Louis Rams" and "Beating" in the same sentence in that order.

Steven said that these rumors were "hurtful" and "untrue". His girlfriend agreed with the first part.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

"Mid-Life Crisis Is A Myth"

Here are my jokes for January 28. Sorry they are so late AND so limited.

Scientists now say that the “mid-life crisis” is a myth. However, I was a little puzzled when I found out that all these scientists were all between 35-40 years old.

President Obama said that he wants a bipartisan government. I would compare our government today to an amputated bird: Neither of them can successfully because one wing is doing all the work.

A study says that drinking blueberry juice can improve a person's memory. There is a little catch though: You first have to remember what kind of juice to buy.

I'm really sorry that they are this limited, but my parents are kicking me off. I hate this, but I'm seriously being rushed. There will be SOOOOOOOOOOO many more jokes tomorrow.

Just made the NY Times Laughlines Blog!

Here are some of the other comedians' blogs that made it:

Jerry Perisho:
Jim Barach:

This is the sixteenth time I've made it!

Monologue Jokes Special - Obama's First State of the Union Address

These are all jokes regarding President Obama's first State of the Union Address!

Diane Sawyer said that this State of the Union Address is "the speech of President Obama's life. The speech of his life, in which he discusses how much America is screwed.

Most people disagree with what President Obama is doing as President. The title of the survey: The Republican Opinion.

Representative Joe Wilson, famous for saying "You lie" during one of President Obama's speeches, tweeted before the speech that he would be on his best behavior. For example, instead of telling President Obama "You lie", he will tell everyone else, "I told you he lies".

Representative Joe Wilson, famous for saying "You lie" during one of President Obama's speeches, tweeted before the speech that he would be on his best behavior. HE'S LYING! HE LIES!

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton attended the State of the Union address. To which Bill said, "Hey, I'm getting a break from her tonight".

President Obama said in his State of the Union address, "The worst of the storm is behind us, but the devastation remains". Little did we know that this was the State of the Union address of Haiti.

President Obama started off his State of the Union speech with such a pessimistic point of view, Joe Wilson stood up and said, "You don't lie".

President Obama said that the bailouts were less popular than a root canal. Well gee, no wonder his teeth are so white.

President Obama said that jobs must be our #1 priority in 2010. In fact, he will create 50,000 jobs for one mission: sculpting the ears on Obama's personal statue.

President Obama said that he can never accept second place. In an unrelated story, John McCain and Hillary Clinton were in the audience.

President Obama said that people should reward success instead of failure. It took Obama a whole year to think of that?!?

President Obama said that people should reward success instead of failure. President Obama really is a superhero: Captain Obvious.

President Obama said that people should not go broke if they go to college. Unless your college is a major party school that relies on you for the beer and drugs.

President Obama said that "we have never been closer to bringing security to the lives of Americans". Now let's go a step further and bring security to the White House.

President Obama thanked wife Michelle for helping the childhood obesity epidemic, and he even called her "honey". To which Michelle said, "Not tonight, Barack".

President Obama said that America should try common sense. This is a true milestone. We haven't seen common sense in the White House for eight years.

President Obama said that he's trying to help Democrats and Republicans work better together. Look dude, you're the President, not a miracle worker.

Thanks loyal readers, and I hope you enjoyed these jokes! More to come soon.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

"No Longer The Strongest Ever"

In his State of the Union speech, Pres. Obama will share plans to energize the country and the economy. Yes, the plans that he will probably not enforce.

China has failed to restore relations with Tibet. I knew it was a smart idea Tibet that China was going to be unsuccessful.

The World Meteorological Assn. says that the 231-mph wind gust recorded in New Hampshire in 1934 is no longer the strongest ever. A 231-mph wind isn’t the strongest wind ever? That just blows me away…

A California school district that pulled a dictionary from classrooms because it defined oral sex will allow it back on the shelves. Little did they know that the dictionary had a picture as well...

The guest judges on American Idol Tuesday night were Avril Lavinge and Katy Perry. This adds to the American Idol Judge portfolio entitled “No Musical Talent Whatsoever”.

A man in Australia has been jailed because he hid 44 lizards in his underpants. By force of habit, Osama Bin Laden admitted that he was behind this.

A study says that using painkillers raises the risk of sustaining bone fractures. Ah, redundancy at its finest.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"A Movie Shot Entirely By Chimpanzees"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for January 26!

A movie shot entirely by chimpanzees will be aired by the BBC. Or, as the general public calls it, regular programming.

NBC says it expects to lose $250 million on next month’s Winter Olympics coverage. And they cut the Tonight Show, WHY?

General Motors Co. said Tuesday it has reached an agreement to sell its struggling Saab automobile to the small Dutch carmaker Spyker Cars NV. One company makes cars that nobody buys and will do anything to get to the top, and the other company is Dutch.

A new study suggests that the rate of hearing problems at ages ranging from 45 to 75 has been dropping for years. Look, you can't base a study off the saying, "If it's too loud, you're too old."

"When in Rome" opens in movie theaters on Friday. I think the theaters are taking the title way too literally. Instead of popcorn, candy, and soda, theaters will serve Ravioli, Ciabatta Bread, and Toscana wine.

Well, I know that's limited but I tried. Thanks for reading!

Monday, January 25, 2010

The best of Schub's Jokes from January 2-24, 2010

Sorry I missed so much. Here are the best of my jokes from those days!

Ever since the news has spread about all these pilots crashing planes, you would expect al-Qaeda to start sending scouts. - From January 2

The Oakland Raiders are reportedly going to fire head coach Tom Cable soon. This really shows how bad Tom Cable is. He isn't even good enough for the Oakland Raiders. - From January 4

Rosie O' Donnell is calling her relationship with new girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders "delicious". Have you seen Rosie O' Donnell lately? What hasn't she called delicious? - From January 5

Avatar has officially made over a billion dollars at the box office. People have paid a billion dollars in tickets to watch a human live in an artificial body. Before this movie came out, we used to call that Major League Baseball. - From January 6

Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, revealed in a book that Osama's parenting style was cruel and unusual. Well gee, who could have ever seen THAT coming? - From January 6

Many people are saying that Mariah Carey's recent erratic behavior has been "eyebrow-raising". Even worse for Mariah, one of the people who said that was Nancy Pelosi. - From January 7

The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs on Saturday by a score of 24-14. So Cincinnati isn't going to the Super Bowl? Hey, at least Cincinnati doesn't have to deal with The Who again. - From January 10

Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton” - From January 10

President Obama announced a $250 million initiative to train Math and Science teachers in an effort to raise student scores in those subjects. Or, as math and science teachers are calling it, “Almost a trillion dollars”. - From January 10

A Washington bloodmobile is offering a pint of beer for every pint of blood that they donate. Sounds like the worst drinking game ever. - From January 11

In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President. - From January 12

Former baseball great Mark McGwire has finally admitted that he used steroids off and on for a period of 10 years. In an unrelated story, Sammy Sosa has admitted to using bleach with no off periods for the past year. - From January 12

Rush Limbaugh says that he’s not a racist and that he actually knows two African-Americans very well. We knew that! He talks about one of them on the radio all the time! - From January 12

There have been recent reports of the first Twitter suicide. In fact, the suicide note, the obituary, and the eulogy all had 140 character limits. - From January 13

The feud between two former teammates with this whole steroid thing has gotten out of hand. I'm not sure who to believe: Jose Canfakeo or Mark McLiar. - From January 13

The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Växjö in south central Sweden collapsed on Wednesday night beneath a group of about 20 participants in the weight-loss program. Even more of a reality check for the participants: There was no basement. - From January 14

President Barack Obama on Saturday enlisted the help of his two predecessors, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, to lead a national drive to raise money for earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Obama is calling this Operation "You Guys Sucked Now Redeem Yourself". - From January 16

China is searching for a solution to their problem with Google. I don't think it helped China's cause by searching for the solution with Bing. - From January 17

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. So the people who are hard to understand when they talk will honor the person who is really hard to understand when she talks. - From January 20

In a recent interview, Brett Favre said that "I really do feel like I have nothing left to prove." Of course, he forgot to mention that he still hasn't proven that he can stay retired. - From January 20

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. People can’t really swim in it, but at least it makes a better runway for Chesley Sullenberger. - From January 21

Shaquille O' Neal recently became the 4th player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in his career, 5 of which were free throws. - From January 21

Jean Simmons, who played opposite Marlon Brando in 'Guys and Dolls', died at the age of 80. However, due to major confusion at the funeral home, she was buried in a KISS casket. - From January 23

A survey says that President Obama is seen as anti-business by 77% of U.S. investors. The other 23% of US investors work for companies that Obama bailed out. - From January 24

Well, there you have it. Sorry I missed so much. I made up for it right there.

"Classes In Personal Finance"


An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.

A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.

A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.

A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...

Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.

Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."

John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?

Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!

Friday, January 1, 2010

"A Cast On His Right Leg"

Joke of the Day: President Obama and his family went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3-D on New Year's Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it's like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.

Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.

In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.

A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.

One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.

South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.

New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."