Monday, January 25, 2010

The best of Schub's Jokes from January 2-24, 2010

Sorry I missed so much. Here are the best of my jokes from those days!

Ever since the news has spread about all these pilots crashing planes, you would expect al-Qaeda to start sending scouts. - From January 2

The Oakland Raiders are reportedly going to fire head coach Tom Cable soon. This really shows how bad Tom Cable is. He isn't even good enough for the Oakland Raiders. - From January 4

Rosie O' Donnell is calling her relationship with new girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders "delicious". Have you seen Rosie O' Donnell lately? What hasn't she called delicious? - From January 5

Avatar has officially made over a billion dollars at the box office. People have paid a billion dollars in tickets to watch a human live in an artificial body. Before this movie came out, we used to call that Major League Baseball. - From January 6

Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, revealed in a book that Osama's parenting style was cruel and unusual. Well gee, who could have ever seen THAT coming? - From January 6

Many people are saying that Mariah Carey's recent erratic behavior has been "eyebrow-raising". Even worse for Mariah, one of the people who said that was Nancy Pelosi. - From January 7

The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs on Saturday by a score of 24-14. So Cincinnati isn't going to the Super Bowl? Hey, at least Cincinnati doesn't have to deal with The Who again. - From January 10

Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton” - From January 10

President Obama announced a $250 million initiative to train Math and Science teachers in an effort to raise student scores in those subjects. Or, as math and science teachers are calling it, “Almost a trillion dollars”. - From January 10

A Washington bloodmobile is offering a pint of beer for every pint of blood that they donate. Sounds like the worst drinking game ever. - From January 11

In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President. - From January 12

Former baseball great Mark McGwire has finally admitted that he used steroids off and on for a period of 10 years. In an unrelated story, Sammy Sosa has admitted to using bleach with no off periods for the past year. - From January 12

Rush Limbaugh says that he’s not a racist and that he actually knows two African-Americans very well. We knew that! He talks about one of them on the radio all the time! - From January 12

There have been recent reports of the first Twitter suicide. In fact, the suicide note, the obituary, and the eulogy all had 140 character limits. - From January 13

The feud between two former teammates with this whole steroid thing has gotten out of hand. I'm not sure who to believe: Jose Canfakeo or Mark McLiar. - From January 13

The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Växjö in south central Sweden collapsed on Wednesday night beneath a group of about 20 participants in the weight-loss program. Even more of a reality check for the participants: There was no basement. - From January 14

President Barack Obama on Saturday enlisted the help of his two predecessors, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, to lead a national drive to raise money for earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Obama is calling this Operation "You Guys Sucked Now Redeem Yourself". - From January 16

China is searching for a solution to their problem with Google. I don't think it helped China's cause by searching for the solution with Bing. - From January 17

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. So the people who are hard to understand when they talk will honor the person who is really hard to understand when she talks. - From January 20

In a recent interview, Brett Favre said that "I really do feel like I have nothing left to prove." Of course, he forgot to mention that he still hasn't proven that he can stay retired. - From January 20

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. People can’t really swim in it, but at least it makes a better runway for Chesley Sullenberger. - From January 21

Shaquille O' Neal recently became the 4th player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in his career, 5 of which were free throws. - From January 21

Jean Simmons, who played opposite Marlon Brando in 'Guys and Dolls', died at the age of 80. However, due to major confusion at the funeral home, she was buried in a KISS casket. - From January 23

A survey says that President Obama is seen as anti-business by 77% of U.S. investors. The other 23% of US investors work for companies that Obama bailed out. - From January 24

Well, there you have it. Sorry I missed so much. I made up for it right there.

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