Thursday, March 31, 2011

"Killing Elephants"

A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.

Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.

A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?

A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.

A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".

The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.

A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

"His Fifth Child"

An Arizona prison inmate was executed amid questions about which lethal drugs work best. I guess those drugs did.

President Obama’s speech about the military operations in Libya was timed to avoid going on against “Dancing With The Stars”. Maybe the White House really does care about gay people.

Kevin Federline is expecting his fifth child. Even President Obama is questioning his ability to pull out.

Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from dyslexia. And President Bush admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from severe stupidity.

Virginia Tech has been fined $55,000 by the Department of Education for waiting too long to notify students of a gunman attack in 2007. I think the Department of Education should be fined for waiting to long to fine Virginia Tech for waiting too long to notify (that rolls off the tongue doesn't it).

A Florida man has hit the 100 gallon mark in donating blood. "I'm proud of my achievement," said the donor, Magic Johnson.

A study says that beautiful people make more money and are happier than those not as attractive. If that's the case, I'm going to end up homeless within the next few weeks.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"A Padded Bathing Suit"

Harry Wesley Coover Jr., known as the inventor of Super Glue, has died at the age of 94. I wonder how the funeral home is going to keep the casket shut.

Women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia are angry that women continue to be denied the right to vote. Women in Saudi Arabia are furious, while men in Saudi Arabia still think that's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

A Pennsylvania zoo euthanized one of the oldest lions in the US due to age-related ailments. Oh man, who's gonna scream in that circle before all those classic movies?

A woman who practices Wicca and works for the TSA in New York has been fired after a co-worker says she was casting spells on employees. You know you are messed up when the TSA calls your rituals out of line.

A New York jeweler is suing Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant for $246,000 in jewelry he hasn’t paid for. The only kind of jewelry that this guy doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring.

Advertising at movie theaters jumped 13% in 2010. Also jumping 13%: people that don't care about the advertisements at movie theaters.

Abercrombie and Fitch are being criticized for featuring a padded bathing suit top for seven year old girls. Even worse, this item is being sponsored by Myspace.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, March 28, 2011

"Sentenced To Death"

There will be not be any No. 1 seeds in this year’s NCAA Final Four. In fact, my bracket is more screwed up than Gary Busey's face.

A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.

The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".

Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.

President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

"Johnny Jolly"

NATO says the conflict in Libya could last 90 days. 90 days of bombs; sounds like a movie marathon on Showtime.

“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.

A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?

GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.

Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.

A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.

Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.

Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, March 25, 2011

"Dark Chocolate"

China is pushing to ban indoor smoking in most places by May 1. The only place that allows indoor smoking will now be your grandparents' house.

According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.

Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.

Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.

A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.

A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.

Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.

A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.

A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?

A new study says that dark chocolate is good for your heart. You know what this means? If your girlfriend's head moves side to side when she talks, you are set for life.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Away From Soccer"

ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.

New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?

A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.

Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?

NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".

Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".

A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.

A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"Personal Use"

A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.

Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.

On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?

An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.

A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?

A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"Abducted By Aliens"

Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.

Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.

The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.

A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.

A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.

CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".

A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.

A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, March 21, 2011

"Firstborn Children"

A new study says that women that live in a smoke-free environment are less likely to develop breast cancer. The same study concluded that a smoke-free environment is healthier regardless.

A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.

Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.

A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)

A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.

A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

"Common Forgetfulness"

A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?

A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.

Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?

Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?

Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.

Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.

Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.

President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, March 18, 2011

"Stressed Out"

The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.

Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".

A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?

A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?

Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.

That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

"Wild Partying"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.

Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.

A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?

A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.

Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".

Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.

Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

"Lost An Eye"

A UK hospital is treating a three year old for alcoholism. Hey Bieber, quit the partying.

A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.

The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".

Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".

Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

"Tasteless Jokes"

AFLAC fired the voice of their TV duck, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, for making tasteless jokes about Japan on Twitter. You didn't hear about it? Ask about it at work.

Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?

Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.

A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".

An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, March 14, 2011

"Too White"

An independent report for Congress says the U.S. military is too white and too male in the top positions. I didn't know the U.S. military could be compared to a high school chess team.

Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.

An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?

A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.

Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".

A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, March 11, 2011

"Airplane Restrooms"

Donald Trump says he is serious about a run for President in 2012. Hey, Sarah Palin may have a shot now.

A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".

GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.

The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.

A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.

A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.

Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.

Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"Risky Gambling"

Next Monday is National Napping Day. I would celebrate, but for some reason, I'm just too tired.

A study says that a lack of sleep can make people overly optimistic and prone to risky gambling. The study was conducted in Las Vegas.

Cap’n Crunch is being retired by Quaker Oats, a result of too much sugar content. Apparently Quaker Oats didn't want a cereal that was over-crunchatized.

A New York teen has been sentenced to two years in prison for killing her family's pet hamster. She was obviously not smart enough to cover up the crime with the genius mechanism called "buying a new one that looks exactly like the one before".

Well, that's all I have for today! Sorry, I will definitely have more tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"310-975-5732"

A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".

Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.

A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?

Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."

Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.

New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?

Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"Praying For Charlie Sheen"

The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.

Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".

A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".

Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.

Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.

A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, March 7, 2011

"Gay Mardi Gras"

This is National Procrastination Week. The celebration is five minutes from now, no matter when you read this.

A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.

Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".

A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.

Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".

Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.

A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.

A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Friday, March 4, 2011

"National Grammar Day"

Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.

National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.

Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.

BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.

Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.

A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?

The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.

A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"More Famous Than Obama"

Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.

Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.

Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.

Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.

A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".

A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.

Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?

The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"Relaxed And Smart"

Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.

Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.

Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.

Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?

Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.

Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.

Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".

Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.

A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".

An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".

Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!