Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Money. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
"Disillusionment And Divorce"
Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.
Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.
A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.
President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?
The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?
Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.
Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.
A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.
A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.
Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.
New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.
A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.
President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?
The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?
Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.
Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.
A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.
A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.
Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.
New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
"Bush's Brain"
A study says that life experiences make people more happy than buying things. The study was conducted when researchers listened to the Beatles' "Money Can't Buy Me Love".
Karl Rove says he wasn't "Bush's brain" as many critics have said. That's like critics saying that Karl Rove is "Cheney's heart".
The FBI says that terrorists are using cyber assaults to eat away at data, cash and security. While Americans are eating away at everything else.
A college girlfriend of Tiger Woods says he was a great boyfriend. This was back when banging every chick you can find was okay.
Washington DC will become the first city in the United States to distribute female condoms free, part of a project that will make 500,000 of them available in beauty salons, convenience stores and high schools. Good job Washington. Distribute condoms in the three places where you shouldn't be having sex in the first place.
President Obama has started walking to improve his cholesterol. Unfortunately, McDonald's is within walking distance of the White House.
I know this isn't much, but that's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!
Karl Rove says he wasn't "Bush's brain" as many critics have said. That's like critics saying that Karl Rove is "Cheney's heart".
The FBI says that terrorists are using cyber assaults to eat away at data, cash and security. While Americans are eating away at everything else.
A college girlfriend of Tiger Woods says he was a great boyfriend. This was back when banging every chick you can find was okay.
Washington DC will become the first city in the United States to distribute female condoms free, part of a project that will make 500,000 of them available in beauty salons, convenience stores and high schools. Good job Washington. Distribute condoms in the three places where you shouldn't be having sex in the first place.
President Obama has started walking to improve his cholesterol. Unfortunately, McDonald's is within walking distance of the White House.
I know this isn't much, but that's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!
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