Wednesday, February 10, 2021

"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

"The Fire And The Baby"

The Washington Football Team released Dwayne Haskins. They fired him so quickly, I almost mistook him for one of their reporters who spoke up about the team's sexual harassment.

Lori Loughlin has been released from prison after two months. She is now expected to serve as the backup QB for the Washington Football Team.

Washington QB Dwayne Haskins was caught going to a strip club and partying without a mask. People knew it was him when the dollar bills he threw at the strippers were intercepted by other club goers.

Creed singer Scott Stapp will portray Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. Because of the role, Frank's new nickname will be "Ol' Bloodshot Eyes".

The COVID vaccine will first go to people who are considered at risk of getting sick. This means it will go to health care workers, the elderly, and people who have seen Alex Schubert do comedy.

The Cleveland Indians are getting a new name. If the Cleveland Indians wanted to remove the most degrading part of their name, they'd have to move to a new city. 

The NY Jets fired DC Gregg Williams. The organization told him, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out", and it didn't hit him, as it had a Jets logo on it. 

Ravens RB Mark Ingram has tested positive for COVID-19. Symptoms have been season-long, as both of them have hardly been able to smell the end zone all year.

A wildfire in California was reportedly started by a gender reveal party. I'm assuming the fire and the baby were both accidents.

An India-based media company alleged that Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder had ties to Jeffrey Epstein. It was a news story that did damage to Snyder’s reputation and even more damage to Epstein’s.

Donald Trump spread several conspiracy theories about the 2020 election. The election wasn't the first time in 2020 that Donald Trump has poorly handled a spike in numbers.

A woman in Nebraska has been found guilty of killing and dismembering another woman that she met through Tinder. The story has been described as "gruesome, horrific, and the centerpiece for the new marketing campaign for Hinge".

The Tennessee Titans violated COVID protocols numerous times during the 2020 NFL season. The only time the Titans ever cared about social distancing was any time Marcus Mariota was around.

Odell Beckham Jr. reportedly likes women to poop on his chest while having sex with them. Since the women he sleeps with poop on his chest instead of in a toilet, it means that neither OBJ nor the women he sleeps with will ever take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

A rumor has been circulating that Odell Beckham Jr. likes women to take shits on his chest. And yet, that's not half as embarrassing as him having a Browns logo on his chest.

That's all I gots for right now! This is part two of three, so a summation of my quarantine will be up soon.

Thursday, September 3, 2020

"A Pepperoni Swastika"

Dwayne Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19. Due to his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Dwayne Johnson can no longer smell what the rock is cookin'.

Donald Trump has said he'll ban TikTok. It's the first time he's ever disapproved of videos of teenage girls.

A Little Caesars in Ohio delivered a pizza with a pepperoni swastika. It was the craziest way to find out that Little Caesars had a delivery option.

Comedian Chris D'Elia has come under fire for texting and sexting underage girls. Considering his unkempt look, this underage sex scandal is the first time I've ever heard of Chris D'Elia doing any grooming.

Reggie Bush came out against paying college athletes. In a related story, "That's like this guy being against this thing" jokes have increased by 86,000%.

The Patriots drafted kicker Justin Rohrwasser, who had white supremacy tattoos on his arm. This was a poor decision by the Patriots, as all his kicks will end up going far-right.

The NFL Draft will be held virtually and in quarantine due to coronavirus. To make him feel like he's actually at the NFL Draft, Roger Goodell will have his family boo him while he announces picks.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

The Library of Congress honored The Village People. It marked the first time in history that Washington DC has ever done something nice for a Native American.

That's all I have for now! This is a three part post, so more coming soon.  

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

"COVID-61"

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.

New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.

Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”

A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?

Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.

The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.

A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.

A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.

The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.

An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.

The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.

One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"

Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.

A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.

Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.

Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.

Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.

Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."

A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.

The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.

A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.

The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.

Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.

The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.

Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."

Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!

Saturday, February 29, 2020

"Coronavirus Fears"

Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.

Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”

The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.

A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.

Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.

Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.

The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.

Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.

The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.

The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”

38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.

Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.

That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!

Saturday, February 15, 2020

"Haaave Mercyyyy"

The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.

Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.

The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.

The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.

A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.

Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".

A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.

The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”

Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.

An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.

The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.

Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.

The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.

The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.

That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.

More jokes coming at the end of the month!

Friday, January 31, 2020

"Assault and Flattery"

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.

NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.

A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.

Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.

Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.

A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.

Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.

Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.

Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.

A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.

Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.

A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.

Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.

A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.

The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.

Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

"Quite the Snatch"

A new vaccine is being developed to fight Alzheimer’s disease, and could be on the market soon after successful tests on mice. After the tests on mice brains, they plan to test the vaccine on people with equally sized brains: anti-vaxxers.

Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.

Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.

The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.

A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.

A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.

An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.

Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.

A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.

The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.

Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.

January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.

Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.

NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.

Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

"Chasing His Own Tailpipe"

Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.

In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".

A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.

Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.

Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.

In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.

New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.

Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.

There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.

A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.

The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.

Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.

ALSO

What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.

Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.

Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

"Disturbing The Penis"

Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.

Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".

The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."

Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.

A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.

Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."

The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.

The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.

The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.

The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.

New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.

Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.

Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.

Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.

That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.

Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!

Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!

Thursday, August 2, 2018

"Poor Managerial Decisions"

The Los Angeles Lakers signed LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Javale McGee. Those signings are very strange, because it's the first time that this many people have moved to L.A. to pursue their dreams without needing to apply for restaurant jobs.

ABC canceled Roseanne Barr's sitcom amid her controversial tweets. Upon hearing the news, InfoWars picked up Roseanne Barr's sitcom for 22 episodes.

The Cleveland Browns will be featured on this season of HBO's Hard Knocks. It'll provide an in depth look at Cleveland Browns practices, which will be a pleasant surprise since most football fans didn't even know that the Browns held practices.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding will reportedly cost $45 million. $44 million of the money will be spent on strippers for Prince Harry's bachelor party.

College football star Shaquem Griffin was selected in the fifth round of the NFL draft. I'm sure there's a reason why he wasn't selected in the first four rounds, but I can't quite put his hand on it.

The Cleveland Browns selected QB Baker Mayfield with first overall pick in 2018 NFL Draft. To prepare for Mayfield's tenure, Browns fans have begun to warm up their throwing arms for when they throw trash onto the field.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will feature a dog park in their stadium. Upon hearing this, Blake Bortles took his dog there to play fetch and immediately threw the ball into the mouth of a dog in a Patriots jersey.

Avicii and Verne Troyer died within a day of each other. Celebrity deaths usually happen in threes, which means that within the next couple days, we are expected to see the deaths of another one and a half celebrities.

A man in Connecticut robbed a bank in order to impress Taylor Swift. The bank tellers were upset that they couldn't stop him, especially since they knew he was trouble when he walked in.

Philadelphia Phillies manager Gabe Kapler has been heavily criticized for his poor managerial decisions. These incidents include pulling P Aaron Nola during a strong start, not starting star CF Odubel Herrera on Opening Day, and giving Roy Halladay a pilot's license.

Noted MMA fighter Conor McGregor was arrested for assault. Upon hearing of Conor McGregor's arrest, Floyd Mayweather says he can commit assault ten times better and can do so while wearing a nicer suit.

Rick Santorum suggested that the people protesting for gun reform should instead take CPR courses. Afterwards, he registered his staff members for CPR courses so they could try and revive his career.

Domino's recently released a pizza engagement ring. This sounds like a terrible thing to give to your fiancé unless you want your engagement to last thirty minutes or less.

The Cleveland Browns have acquired WR Jarvis Landry from the Miami Dolphins. They figured his experience as a Dolphin would help him thrive in an organization that's constantly underwater.

Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. For Martin, this news definitely has to be one tough $750 pill to swallow.

That's all I have for right now! Well, I wanted a bounce back year after 2017 was relatively rough, and 2018 has been the bounce back year that I hoped I would have! I'm doing a lot of standup, I'm about to get back to my DJ job that I haven't been doing for the summer, and I have a great support system of friends that have really been helping me out. It's been a good year so far, my 25th year on this planet is about to be over, and I'm about to enter the wonderful age of 26 (aka my late 20s. Gross!). Also, I haven't been writing as many topical jokes as of late because I've been focusing more on my personal standup act and how I can build a 20-25 minute set. It's tough, but what can I say, it has been a hell of a process. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

Saturday, September 16, 2017

"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

"Some Dude In A Tie"

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.

Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.

Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.

Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.

Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.

Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.

Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.

A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.

Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.

Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.

That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.

Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!

Monday, March 14, 2016

"Hangover-Free Alcohol"

Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.

Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.

Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.

Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.

Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.

A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.

Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.

Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.

Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.

An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?

Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.

North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".

Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.

Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!

By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

"One Hard Cheeseburger To Swallow"

Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli was arrested by the FBI. His bail has been set at $200 thousan... I mean... *whips out calculator* $11 million dollars.

Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.

A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.

Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.

Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.

The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.

Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!

Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.

A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.

A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.

Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.

That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

"Deez Nuts"

Derrick Rose has been accused of drugging and raping his ex-girlfriend. To be fair, he tore his ACL while going after her the last time she ran away.

A guy named Deez Nuts ran as an independent presidential candidate. Coincidentally, "Deez Nuts" is the collective name of all the Republican nominees.

Sesame Street will now air on HBO. This is fantastic, because now I get to find out what Big Bird's sideboob looks like.

Jets QB Geno Smith is out for 6-10 weeks after breaking jaw in a locker room fight. The injury is a devastating blow to opposing defenses.

Texans RB Arian Foster opened up about not believing in God. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert opened up about not believing in Arian Foster's hamstring.

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is going to be a dad. I think I speak for all hack open mikers when I say this was a result of One Erection.

The LA Clippers successfully lobbied DeAndre Jordan to stay with the Clippers instead of leaving to join the Mavericks. Now, the Clippers will camp out in my apartment until I quit comedy.

The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in all 50 US states. Now, Republicans are eagerly awaiting to blame the next hurricane on the Supreme Court's ruling.

Rick Perry said the Charleston shooting was an "accident". Wow, I can't believe I misunderstood "I'm here to kill black people" as blatant racism.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI. The whole thing could've been prevented if the bartender listened when Dave Coulier said "Cut. Him. Off."

A study says Nickelback has the most intelligent lyrics in rock. I can't help but look at this ridiculous study. Every time I do it makes me laugh.

Josh Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting has confessed to molesting some of his younger sisters. Before we know it, one of his other sisters will become an open mic comedian and do an "I wasn't hot enough to be molested" joke.

That's all I have for right now. Ready for a big update? Tough shit, nothing has really happened. Just continuing on my comedy grind. I did a guest spot in Dayton for Brent Morin from NBC's Undateable, and I had a kickass time at Brewhaha once again, but other than that, it's been fairly stagnant as of late. That's not to say I haven't been trying. I've been writing tons of jokes (as you can see above), and I feel that I've improved ever since my weekend. Well, you can go back to your fun life of going through random blogs because let's face it, you probably randomly clicked on this. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

Friday, May 15, 2015

"Gltiuy Of The Btoson Bmobnig"

A study says people that have more sex are less happy. This study included statistics, expert opinions, and pictures of my recent trip to Disney World.

American Idol has been canceled by Fox after 15 seasons. However, it was canceled by most American households after 9 seasons.

American Idol has been canceled. Speaking of has-beens, I hear Justin Guarini and Sanjaya Malakar picked up extra shifts at Applebees today.

Jacksonville Jaguars DE and 3rd overall pick Dante Fowler Jr. tore his ACL at his first NFL practice. Even with his torn ACL, he's still the 4th best player on their team.

A woman in a wheelchair on the Price is Right won a treadmill. Not to be outdone, I just won dinner for two at a romantic restaurant.

Kristen Stewart said that Hollywood is "disgustingly sexist". That's absurd. A woman talking?

Two University of Akron graduates invented a device that detects drivers under the influence of marijuana. It's called a Taco Bell drive thru window.

CNN has hired 40 political reporters to boost ratings. Apparently the key to making yourself not boring is hiring 40 boring people.

A Florida man claiming to be Thor was caught having sex with a tree. To be fair, anyone that has sex with a tree would end up very very Thor.

A verdict has been reached in the trial for Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He was found gltiuy of the Btoson Bmobnig, and he is expected to be sentenced to lfie in psiron. (update - he was recently sentenced to daeth)

Vanilla Ice was charged with burglary and sentenced to 100 hours pf community service. This will be the closest he's come to having a job in 15 years.

Indiana recently signed into law a new religious freedom bill that allegedly gives businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Yep, it gives Indiana businesses the right to openly practice their Christianity by judging others.

On Tinder, Jason Derulo recently promoted his new single. Ironically, it's the same app where I promote myself being terribly single.

March 14th is known as "Pi Day", which celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. If you celebrate Pi Day, I'll refer to you as a "Circle's circumference" because people who celebrate a day about Pi are squares.

ESPN recently aired several Alex Rodriguez at bats on Sportscenter in his chase for Willie Mays' home run total. I assume they did this to make sure he didn't eat the pitcher.

That's all for now, friends! And boy has my life changed dramatically since my last post in early March. It's changed for the better, and in some ways, for the worse, so strap in, folks.

First, in mid March, I recently achieved a credit that not a lot of comics can say they have achieved. Somehow, I was the tweet of the day on Comedy Central's @midnight. This feat is next to impossible to achieve. Tens of thousands of tweets are sent on their topic every night. This night, the topic was #MakeACelebrityIrish, and my tweet "Carrot Top o' the mornin to ya" (which I almost deleted) was the selected tweet out of tens of thousands of tweets that night. I had been trying for over a year, and I had sent at least a couple hundred tweets to that show for their games. I treated them like joke writing exercises, and they kept my mind and my Twitter account active. Have I had funnier @midnight tweets? Yes (see my #TVShowSequels entry "I Didn't Know I Left My Child That I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant With In A Hot Car"), but this is the only one that achieved tweet of the day status. When it happened, I lost my shit. It was completely unexpected. It's a small credit, but it was still great for me.

The very next day, I got a message from the guy who books MCs at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, and he asked me if I wanted to host the April 9th-12th weekend at Go Bananas, to which I immediately agreed. The comic I got to open six shows for was the incredible Nate Bargatze. This guy is beloved in the standup community and has an unreal amount of credits (Conan, @midnight, an hour special on Comedy Central, a favorite of Jimmy Fallon, to name a few). This weekend, besides the Sunday show where a lady got offended by one of my inoffensive and highly personal jokes, went incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I learned a ton and got to hang out with some awesome people.

Yeah, I had an incredible streak of two and a half weeks where literally everything went right, and while this streak was going on, I knew at some point that it'd be over and I'd come back down to earth. And boy did I. First, in early April, I made the mistake at my job at Toby Keith's of acting like a babydaddy from the Maury show in front of the all black kitchen staff. They were understandably offended, and in the blink of an eye, I went from potential big money during Reds season to being fired. I was distraught for awhile, but at a job where I was looked down upon and made fun of almost every shift, it was a semi relief. I was also hoping to get a girlfriend by the end of the school year after losing a shit ton of weight and gaining confidence. In a stretch of three weeks, I was turned down by two girls. I was depressed for a bit, but now I'm back on my feet and doing well. I have a new job at Dewey's Pizza, and I have new methods to try and get a girlfriend (one of which, ironically, is to stop trying super hard).

My life has taken some crazy turns recently, but I'm still the same goofy fuck I was since the last post. Here's to another crazy few months! Anyway, more later!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

"Mini Versions Of People"

President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.

A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?

A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.

Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.

RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.

A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.

The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.

Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.

A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.

On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".

Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

"Stuck In A Stone Vagina"

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.

A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".

A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.

Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.

A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.

Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.

A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.

A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.

A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.

Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".

A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.

Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.

That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Holy shit, five years

Holy shit. A half of a decade. A quarter of a two decades. Eh, screw it, you get the gist.

But the point is, I've been in the comedy world for five years. Comedy, to me, has been a life-changing journey full of laughs, self-discovery, pain, fun, rejection, stupidity, and a bunch of other words I can't think of right now. I know most people who know me don't really care, but comedy means so much to me. I've met some incredible people, I've made friends that will last for the rest of my life, all because I wanted to be funny. For those of you who are comics and have seen me for less time, my comedy journey began with one simple blog post from the NY Times.

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/06/did-you-hear-the-one-that-isnt-about/

When my joke got featured, I remember losing my shit. I freaked out, I told everybody I knew, because for the first time, I was published. Looking back on it, the joke really wasn't that good (at all), but for the first year of comedy, that blog is what I stuck to. I felt accomplished every time I made the blog, and I was disappointed every time I didn't, but hey, that's life. Throughout that first year (my junior year of high school), I learned the art and science of the punchline by writing and watching (especially Leno), my writing got stronger, and in general, I got funnier. After my first year, I decided that there was no turning back. I was going to be in the comedy world for good.

My highlight of my first year of comedy was meeting Jay Leno. There are many people who think of him as kind of a hack (in fact, one friend of mine referred to him as "the worst"), but watching him made me want to go into comedy. I dreamed of being one of his writers, and I thought I could do it. I got to meet him in the spring of 2010 when I went on a spring break trip to LA with my mom, her boyfriend, and his son. It was a great trip for me because I got to experience comedy in real life, and it was mind blowing. After the show, someone who worked there took us backstage to the green room, where Leno came out in his typical all-denim style. He was super nice to me and everyone I was with. I will never forget that day because I realized that even the most successful comics will reach out to people just starting out.

The next year for me (my senior year of high school) was fairly uneventful. I wrote jokes, I did my thing and such. That year, only two noteworthy things happened, one good and one bad. The bad event happened in September 29th, 2010. Greg Giraldo, who would become my favorite comedian and still is to this day, died. I'll never forget where I was. I was in my bed about to go to sleep when my friend Alex texted me and said that he died. I was shocked, but it didn't really affect me severely until I watched his standup, then I realized what a truly brilliant comic he was.

The good thing remember happening that year (besides graduating high school) was what I think of as my first really good joke. The joke was "A new British beer contains Viagra. Let me suggest a name: Mike's Hard." With that joke, I had evolved into the next stage of comedic writing: dick jokes. I can now say I have a dick joke. That joke was my first tweet on my joke Twitter account, it was a staff pick on DailyComedy, it was featured on Reddit, and a little over a year later, the Huffington Post. It's truly great to me what one joke can do for you.

It was also at the end of my second year where I started my first all-joke Twitter account: @GroperCleveland. How I thought of that name, I don't have a clue. All I remember was that it was funny to me, and ever since then, it stuck. Jimmy Fallon said ON AIR that my Twitter screen name was funny (then again, Jimmy Fallon thinks Jimmy Fallon is funny, so it could go either way). I'm still extremely active on that account to this day, and I've had stuff on there that's disappeared into obscurity, and some stuff that has stuck. I've enjoyed every second of it.

My third year of comedy (my FIRST freshman year of college) was probably the most rocky year of my comedy career. It started out awful. I did start standup comedy at Go Bananas, and the first six months of my comedy career, well, I like to think of that as a bad dream. That's all it will be to me. I don't even count it as time spent doing standup, that's how bad it was.

This third year of comedy was also when I hit my personal low, which, unfortunately, involved comedy. It all started in August 2011 when I made jokes about the Indiana State Fair stage collapse, not knowing that anyone I knew was hurt. As it turns out, my friend Jaymie and our school's cheerleading coach Meagan were both seriously injured. Jaymie recovered and is fine now, but unfortunately, Meagan ended up dying. After that night when I found out that people I knew were hurt, I immediately apologized to Jaymie, and she said it was alright. However, in December 2011, I was in sort of a shitty mood, so for some reason, I went on Facebook and made some jokes related to that Indiana State Fair stage collapse. Why I did it, I don't know (probably attention that I so badly craved at the time, I don't know, and by I don't know, I mean yes it was). That night, I fed off of it, and kept going for some reason. I pissed off everyone that I went to high school with, and for about a week, or maybe even a month, everyone I knew hated me. I felt super alone. The next day, I treated that situation like I killed someone. I was in major damage control mode for about a week. I apologized to everyone, and while it took time for forgiveness, everyone eventually forgave me.

Do I regret what I did on those two occasions? Yes and no. I do regret it because I hurt several people I knew with what I thought was funny, and words can never be taken back. However, I don't regret it because it was a major learning experience for me. I learned that I have to be careful with what I say, as words can come back to haunt me.

As the end of my third year in comedy ended, my comedy career did begin to pick up. Instead of focusing on pop culture for my standup, I began focusing on me and what was funny about me. Almost immediately after that, I started to garner respect from fellow comics. I transitioned from learning the art of the one liner to the art of the bit, and that's where everything in standup sort of took off. I began meeting comics, I began going to shows and appreciating comedy for what it truly is.

My fourth year of comedy (my SECOND freshman year of college) essentially picked up where I left off from my third year. I began getting recognition from other comics as being funny, and on a fall night in 2012, what I think of as my first comedy accomplishment came about. In September 2012, I was invited to perform at the Northern Kentucky University Last Comic Standing competition. I auditioned, and that was a breeze to get through. That night, a ton of people showed up to watch, including three NKU staff members. There were five comics: Me, my friends Jake and Alex, a guy named Kevin who didn't do standup but liked comedy, and a girl named Pam who got all her jokes off the internet. It was a three round competition: the first round was standup, the second round was where we all told a one-liner, and the third round was improv with the MC, which was a comic named Kelly Collette. I eased my way into the finals with my friend Alex, and we were both given a topic. I don't remember what Alex's topic was, but I do remember that my topic was sex, which was hysterical for me. I had to act out me trying to have sex with her, and it was exactly like me trying to get with every other girl. And by that, I mean it didn't actually work and everyone watched and laughed at me. When I was in that round, I was super nervous because I had very little experience with improv. When she asked me whether I had sex before, I said "I don't know" (yeah, I was that nervous). Yeah, some things were said that made people laugh, but I'll never forget one thing I said. Kelly made a callback to when I said I don't know whether I've had sex before, and she said "What do you mean you've never had sex before", and I said, "Well, I went to church a lot when I was little and I don't remember a whole lot". When I said that, the whole room started laughing, and that was one of the best feelings I've ever had as a comic. After that round, ballots were collected to see who won, and I ended up winning. I won a hundred bucks, which was worth about two tanks of gas to me, and validation, which was worth about everything to me.

After that competition, I continued on in my comedy career, writing bits about how I grew up and things about my life that made me laugh. Things got better, things went on, and I progressed more in the Cincinnati comedy scene. I started doing guest sets for weekend shows, I opened up a few pro-am shows, and I began garnering even more respect from some people outside the city.

For me, my favorite point of my comedy career was the summer of 2013. I had some of the best shows I've ever done (and one of the worst). I did the Funniest Person in Cincinnati contest, which I did not move on in, which is fine. However, the next week, I had two shows that I desperately needed. They were both at bars in Cincinnati, and I had great sets at both of them. Things were going great for me, as I opened up more pro-am shows, did more guest spots, did my first comedy festival, and garnered respect from more people in the scene. I even had headliners say I was funny, which absolutely blew my mind. However, one morning in July of 2013, I thought of what I consider to be the funniest joke I have ever written.

I remember I had shitty sleeping habits that summer, which was fine, because I didn't have much to do during that time. But one morning, I was up in my bed, and I was riffing about the subject of prom night dumpster babies for some reason (when I find a subject that I'm interested in, I'll try and think of some jokes about it, which is, well, riffing). That riff culminated with a joke that is, to this day, one that I consider to be absolute gold (it's the second joke on the clip, and they cut out about half of the laugh in that joke). When I thought of that joke, I about died. I couldn't believe I had come up with a joke that funny. I laughed to myself for about fifteen minutes straight. Once I did that, I immediately put that in tweet form, put it in my draft folder on Twitter, and went to sleep. In the middle of the day, I decided to tweet it. It didn't get much Twitter love, so I decided to turn it into a bit, and that didn't get much love either. However, I brought it back for a roast of a friend of mine that I did, and a couple of my friends told me how funny they thought that joke was, so I kept it in that form. Later on, I was set to perform at a Go Bananas pro-am show, and I was nervous about telling that joke because it has kind of a dark side to it. When I told it in a sparsely filled bar, it got a ten second laugh, which was monstrous for me. I then told it at Go Bananas, and it got about the same laugh (including a "wow" and a "woo"). It felt great, as a ton of people came up to me after the show and said that joke was super funny. To culminate everything, Rooftop Comedy asked me if it could be a clip on their website, to which I immediately agreed. Then, I put that on Facebook, and thankfully, it worked. A lot of my friends said that they loved the joke, and I had MCs and features alike go out of their way to tell me how funny that joke is.

After I came up with that joke, it didn't work very well, but I previously mentioned that I did a roast for my friend Jay, and that might be the best night of comedy I've ever had. Every joke ranged from doing alright to destroying the entire room, and after that, multiple people said I was the best act of the night. Doing a roast was something I had wanted to do for a long time, and I prepared extra hard for it. Well, it ended up working, and I loved it. Not much happened after that. I kept doing pro-am shows, I kept progressing (slowly but surely), and I came up with more bits.

What do the next five years have in store for me? My first MC weekend? Maybe even a feature weekend? Who knows. Comedy is an unpredictable thing, but as long as I work hard, anything is possible. I know I have what it takes, but it's just the effort that I need to put in and great things are possible. Anyone who has made any part of these last five years possible, I can't thank you enough. If it wasn't for comedy, who knows where I'd be. I do comedy because I have the ability to, and I love doing it. I make fun of my flaws, I make fun of what happens to me, and while I come across as a guy who has a low self esteem (I kinda do), me being able to joke about myself makes me kind of alright with everything.

I'm going to end this post the way I've ended my stage performances for the past two and a half years: You guys, I've been Alex Schubert, thank you very much.