"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!