Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Models. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Models. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Straw Poll"
The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Hard As Concrete"
Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
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