Saturday, November 26, 2011

"Rod And Reel"

The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?

There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.

A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.

Mila Kunis attended the North Carolina Marine Corps Ball with a soldier in the Marine Corps. That soldier is one lucky bastard.

The DMV is Washington, D.C. is offering free HIV tests. San Francisco, take note.

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: that third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of.

A survey says the most popular passwords in 2011 are “password” and “12345”. Of course, on websites where numbers and letters are both required in passwords, the most popular password was "password12345".

A man in Massachusetts caught an 881-pound tuna, only to have it taken away by authorities because he didn't catch it with a rod and reel. Sounds fishy to me.

Michele Bachmann has accused CBS News of being biased. And FOX News isn't?

A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called "pen and paper".

A Russian TV anchor has been fired for giving President Obama the finger during a live newscast. He was then immediately hired at FOX News.

That's all I have for today! Follow me on Twitter @GroperCleveland for one liners and more stupid stuffs like that. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Monday, November 21, 2011


A researcher says that right handed people are less likely to like less familiar types of music like bluegrass and reggae. I completely disagree. Now if you'll excuse me, I just bought this Three Days Grace album, and I'm dying to listen to it.

Bradley Cooper has been chosen as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I was second to last, right next to Michael Moore's belly button.

A congressional committee says the TSA is bloated, needs to slash its workforce and make public its performance results. You know, like Penn State should be.

Italy’s new Prime Minister Mario Monti has formed a government with no politicians. And considering Italy's last prime minister, hopefully no underage interns.

EU officials are being criticized for banning the claim that water prevents dehydration. Isn't that what the Gatorade commercials do?

A Florida man was arrested after giving a woman a butt injection with “Fix-A-Flat”. A butt injection; is THAT what they're calling it nowadays?

A Los Angeles psychologist is still working, even though she is 102. I'm just thankful she isn't a gynecologist.

Scientists say North Pole dinosaurs led tough lives and had trouble reaching their 20th birthdays. Nowadays, people who lead tough lives and have trouble reaching their 20th birthdays are known as "gay teens".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"Better Dancers"

JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, North Dakota. Not surprisingly, the patdown lasted over nine hours.

Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease. I miss the old days when young parents would just kill their kids.

Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the polls of potential GOP presidential nominees. Congratulations, Barack.

A survey says that 12% of employees worldwide are optimistic. The other 88% have a boss.

A study says that nice guys make better dancers. You know what this means? White people are the meanest people on Earth.

A study says that male spiders that offer their mates useless gifts get turned down for sex. And by "spiders", I mean "people".

A study says that cleaning teeth can cut the risk of heart attack. Sorry about your luck, England.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

"Medical Bills"

Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.

The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.

A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.

Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.

A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.

The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.

Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?

A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".

Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Only Two Friends"

Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.

John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?

Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.

An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.

A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.

A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".

Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.

A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.

Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.

Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Banana Republic"

An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.

A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.

A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".

Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.

Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!