"The Fire And The Baby"

The Washington Football Team released Dwayne Haskins. They fired him so quickly, I almost mistook him for one of their reporters who spoke up about the team's sexual harassment.

Lori Loughlin has been released from prison after two months. She is now expected to serve as the backup QB for the Washington Football Team.

Washington QB Dwayne Haskins was caught going to a strip club and partying without a mask. People knew it was him when the dollar bills he threw at the strippers were intercepted by other club goers.

Creed singer Scott Stapp will portray Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. Because of the role, Frank's new nickname will be "Ol' Bloodshot Eyes".

The COVID vaccine will first go to people who are considered at risk of getting sick. This means it will go to health care workers, the elderly, and people who have seen Alex Schubert do comedy.

The Cleveland Indians are getting a new name. If the Cleveland Indians wanted to remove the most degrading part of their name, they'd have to move to a new city. 

The NY Jets fired DC Gregg Williams. The organization told him, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out", and it didn't hit him, as it had a Jets logo on it. 

Ravens RB Mark Ingram has tested positive for COVID-19. Symptoms have been season-long, as both of them have hardly been able to smell the end zone all year.

A wildfire in California was reportedly started by a gender reveal party. I'm assuming the fire and the baby were both accidents.

An India-based media company alleged that Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder had ties to Jeffrey Epstein. It was a news story that did damage to Snyder’s reputation and even more damage to Epstein’s.

Donald Trump spread several conspiracy theories about the 2020 election. The election wasn't the first time in 2020 that Donald Trump has poorly handled a spike in numbers.

A woman in Nebraska has been found guilty of killing and dismembering another woman that she met through Tinder. The story has been described as "gruesome, horrific, and the centerpiece for the new marketing campaign for Hinge".

The Tennessee Titans violated COVID protocols numerous times during the 2020 NFL season. The only time the Titans ever cared about social distancing was any time Marcus Mariota was around.

Odell Beckham Jr. reportedly likes women to poop on his chest while having sex with them. Since the women he sleeps with poop on his chest instead of in a toilet, it means that neither OBJ nor the women he sleeps with will ever take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

A rumor has been circulating that Odell Beckham Jr. likes women to take shits on his chest. And yet, that's not half as embarrassing as him having a Browns logo on his chest.

That's all I gots for right now! This is part two of three, so a summation of my quarantine will be up soon.

"Disturbing The Penis"

Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.

Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".

The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."

Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.

A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.

Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."

The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.

The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.

The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.

The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.

New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.

Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.

Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.

Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.

That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.

Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!

Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!

"Six Decades Of Hostility"

Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.

Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.

North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.

A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.

The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.

A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.

A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.

A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!