Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"Dumped Flour"

Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.

Ohio Congressman Sherrod Brown called congressmen "niggardly". The congressmen laughed as they enjoyed their KFC, grape sodas, and white bitches.

Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.

A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.

Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?

Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.

Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.

Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?

There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.

There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.

James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.

Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

"Stealing Tide Detergent"

Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.

More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.

A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.

A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.

An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.

Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".

A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.

A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.

Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Monday, March 5, 2012

"Speech Jamming Gun"

Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.

Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.

Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".

Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.

A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?

Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.

President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.

New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".

Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of

McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.

Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!