"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"Deez Nuts"

Derrick Rose has been accused of drugging and raping his ex-girlfriend. To be fair, he tore his ACL while going after her the last time she ran away.

A guy named Deez Nuts ran as an independent presidential candidate. Coincidentally, "Deez Nuts" is the collective name of all the Republican nominees.

Sesame Street will now air on HBO. This is fantastic, because now I get to find out what Big Bird's sideboob looks like.

Jets QB Geno Smith is out for 6-10 weeks after breaking jaw in a locker room fight. The injury is a devastating blow to opposing defenses.

Texans RB Arian Foster opened up about not believing in God. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert opened up about not believing in Arian Foster's hamstring.

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is going to be a dad. I think I speak for all hack open mikers when I say this was a result of One Erection.

The LA Clippers successfully lobbied DeAndre Jordan to stay with the Clippers instead of leaving to join the Mavericks. Now, the Clippers will camp out in my apartment until I quit comedy.

The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in all 50 US states. Now, Republicans are eagerly awaiting to blame the next hurricane on the Supreme Court's ruling.

Rick Perry said the Charleston shooting was an "accident". Wow, I can't believe I misunderstood "I'm here to kill black people" as blatant racism.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI. The whole thing could've been prevented if the bartender listened when Dave Coulier said "Cut. Him. Off."

A study says Nickelback has the most intelligent lyrics in rock. I can't help but look at this ridiculous study. Every time I do it makes me laugh.

Josh Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting has confessed to molesting some of his younger sisters. Before we know it, one of his other sisters will become an open mic comedian and do an "I wasn't hot enough to be molested" joke.

That's all I have for right now. Ready for a big update? Tough shit, nothing has really happened. Just continuing on my comedy grind. I did a guest spot in Dayton for Brent Morin from NBC's Undateable, and I had a kickass time at Brewhaha once again, but other than that, it's been fairly stagnant as of late. That's not to say I haven't been trying. I've been writing tons of jokes (as you can see above), and I feel that I've improved ever since my weekend. Well, you can go back to your fun life of going through random blogs because let's face it, you probably randomly clicked on this. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"The Ways To Be Happy"

An Afghan native has admitted that he planned to bomb the New York subway system. Come to think of it, the New York subway system can't get any worse.

The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Both Leno and Palin plan to ask each other, "Why did you quit so early?"

The US Men’s Olympic Hockey team defeated Team Canada for the first time in 50 years. If only the US Health Care system could say the same thing.

A study says the ways to be happy include being grateful, optimistic, and counting your blessings. The study was then withdrawn when the researchers realized that Americans have nothing to be grateful or optimistic about.

John Daly has signed an underwear endorsement deal. Daly is ecstatic. Now he gets his size 8XL pairs of underwear for free.

The president of Toyota's U.S. operations acknowledged to lawmakers on Tuesday that the company's recalls of millions of its cars may "not totally" solve the problem of sudden and dangerous acceleration. I totally agree. They have to get there first.

A Facebook group entitled "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback" actually has more fans than Nickelback. In response, Nickelback wanted to take that group and Burn It To The Ground.