"Only In English"

Joke of the Day: A man is battling for his right to go inside the Ohio Statehouse barefoot. To which George Bush said, "Do you want to come to my next speech?".

It was on this date in 1913 that the zipper was patented. It was also on this date that the phrase "Your fly is down" was invented.

A flight from Houston to DC was diverted to Greensboro Wednesday after the word “bomb” was found in the bathroom mirror. He then opened the toilet and realized what the word "bomb" meant.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. Because when I think of needs for the state of Alabama, the first thing that comes to mind is the drivers' test being only in English.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. That's strange. I had no idea anybody in Alabama knew what a car was.

A knife-wielding man attacked a kindergarten class of 4-year-olds in eastern China on Thursday, slashing 28 children. That's strange. Usually when you find 28 4-year olds, you'd be in a Chinese factory.

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat". The man said, "That's the last time I ever criticize Mike Tyson".

55% of Americans say that the nutritional quality of school lunches is “fair” or “poor”. In another survey, 100% of American children think that the quality of school lunches is "terribly poor".

A survey says that 14 year old girls are the toughest kids to parent. I'm very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

A survey says for the first time more Americans feel they will be working past age 65 than will be retired. In this economy, those people are lucky to be working.

The Boy Scouts are offering awards for video games. They are probably just motivating more boys to join the Boy Scouts.

California State officials have unveiled a new seismic map that features 50 new faults. The biggest fault? Los Angeles.

Afghanistan is launching an Internet crackdown to stop people from viewing sites promoting pornography, alcohol and gambling. Or, as we call that in the U.S., Las Vegas.

A study says dieting can be dangerous to a person’s health and can lead to heart attacks, cancer and diabetes. Fat people are calling this study "A Really Good Excuse".

Joan Rivers is beginning a new season of "How Did You Get So Rich?" for TV Land. After that show ends, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt will all star in a reality show called "Really, How Did You Get So Famous?"

That's all I have for right now. More upcoming!

"Their First Gay Character"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.

88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.

A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".

Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.

The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.

Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.

The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.

German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?

A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.

A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.

Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!

"40 Different Charities"

Joke of the Day: Cafeteria workers at Atlantic City High School in New Jersey served only cheese sandwiches Wednesday and Thursday as punishment for a cell-phone-coordinated food fight. Isn't living in New Jersey punishment enough?

Pres. and Mrs. Obama reportedly donated $329,000 to 40 different charities for tax deductions, last year. I don't know how Obama came up with $329,000, especially considering the economy.

The 20-year-old college student who accused Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault told police she told him that she didn't want to have sex. Then again, telling Roethlisberger "No" is like telling Joe Biden to "Shut up".

Minority Republican lawmakers sponsored a resolution this week honoring the 100-year anniversary of the Boy Scouts. Still no word on how they celebrated.

The interim government has received ousted Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev's resignation letter, Russian news agencies reported. His reason for his resignation was that he had too many vowels in his name.

A Michigan man could face life in prison after he allegedly tortured and ultimately killed his girlfriend's 4-year-old son last week for wetting his pants, prosecutors say. The boy apparently died of embarrassment.