"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Mistakenly Tweeted"

A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."

Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.

Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.

The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".

CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.

Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...

That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.

"Viagra Condom"

President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.

A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.

Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.

A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.

Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Acting Classes"

I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.

Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.

Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.

A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.

A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.

Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.

A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Quidditch Lingerie"

English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.

A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".

Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".

Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?

A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.

A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?

A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.

A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.

Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.

Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?

An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?

Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".

Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Royal Work Load"

Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.

A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.

Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.

A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.

A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".

An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.

A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.

A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.

A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.

A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.

Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?

An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.

That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!

"A Bomb Scare"

Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.

The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.

Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.

Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.

New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.

A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.

Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.

Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.

The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Awarded To Kansas City"

Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.

The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?

The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?

The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.

A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".

U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.

Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.

Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.

Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.

Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.

Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Cast On His Right Leg"

Joke of the Day: President Obama and his family went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3-D on New Year's Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it's like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.

Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.

In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.

A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.

One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.

South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.

New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."