"Offering Scholarships"

Miguel Cabrera will return to the Detroit Tigers lineup this spring for the first time as a designated hitter. And pitcher Armando Galarraga is now in the lineup as Miguel's designated driver.

Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.

A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.

A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...

A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.

Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Phone Etiquette"

A 10,000 square foot medical marijuana growing emporium is set to open in Sacramento. Don't we usually call those "farms"?

A poll says that Mississippi is the most conservative state in the U.S. They are so conservative, they don't take the time to look outside their families for dating.

A poll says that phone etiquette in the U.S. is getting worse. When I heard this, I was like, "WTF R U TALKIN BOUT?!?".

7-Eleven has opened its 40,000th store. And still, not a single one of them has any class.

A new iPhone app counts down the time to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Using the app tells people, "I have absolutely nothing better to do".

It's a Saturday, it's late, and I'm tired. That's all I have for right now!

"List Of Performances"

Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.

The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?

An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.

Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.

U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.

“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.

Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.

A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.

84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

I have officially entered the Late Night scene! How about it!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Women And Drugs"

Former CNN talk show host Larry King is launching a one-man comedy show starting in April. But before this starts, he has to learn how to make people laugh.

Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.

New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.

George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.

A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?

Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".

Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Drunk Diet"

Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.

Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.

Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.

In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.

An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.

A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.

Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Concealed Weapons"

Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.

On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.

Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.

Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.

The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.

Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.

Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.

7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.

A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Toxic Ingredients"

The L.A. TV reporter who broke down into gibberish on air at the Grammys was suffering a migraine headache. She must have heard Justin Bieber's performance.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.

A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".

A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.

Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.

A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Mubarak's Ouster"

On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.

A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.

A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?

The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.

The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.

The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?

66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.

More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Lazy Whiners"

Thursday is Paris Hilton’s 30th birthday. That's approximately one year per I.Q. point.

A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.

Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?

Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.

That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!

"Free Condoms"

Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.

McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?

New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".

An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.

Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?

A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.

Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.

An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.

Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?

O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.

Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Encouraging Couples"

Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?

Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".

This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.

A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.

John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.

Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.

President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.

Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.

A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.

A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.

McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"

A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.

A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.

The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.

Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".

Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.

Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.

Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".

Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Staying Single"

Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.

Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.

Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.

Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.

A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...

Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.

Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.

A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.

Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.

Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.

The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Harry Baals"

First Lady Michelle Obama says her two daughters do not have accounts on Facebook. She added that they do not have Myspace accounts, which disappointed thousands of middle-aged perverts.

Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.

Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.

An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.

A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.

First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?

A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?

A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.

Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.

New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.

An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.

A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Feeding Him Popcorn"

First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.

There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.

The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?

A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.

A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.

A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.

An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.

Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.

A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".

A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.

"Unusual Visitors"

Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.

In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.

President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.

There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.

Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.

The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.

A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.

Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.

Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?

A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Left-Handed Parrots"

A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.

A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.

On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".

Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.

Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.

Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.

18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".

Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.

Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.

An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Coffee And An Aspirin"

Former National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski says that Egypt won’t become a democracy overnight. It will become a democracy the day someone can spell his name correctly.

Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.

American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.

A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.

A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.

Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Available Online"

Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".

Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.

A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".

Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.

There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.

A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.

Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?

A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.

A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Cold Weather"

Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.

CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.

An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.

Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.

Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.

A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.

A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"His Final Round"

It was on this date in 1950 that the popular and long-running game show “What’s My Line” premiered on television. It was created in honor of the on-the-set acting by the cast of Baywatch.

A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.

Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.

Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.

The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.

Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.

“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.

PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".

A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Rehab At Home"

February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.

South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.

Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.

A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.

A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.

A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.

House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.

A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.

The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.

A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.

The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...

A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!