Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label John Daly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Daly. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"Google, Kansas"
Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".
Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.
A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.
Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.
The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.
The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.
NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)
March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.
March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".
President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.
A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?
Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".
The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.
Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!
Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.
A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.
Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.
The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.
The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.
NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)
March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.
March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".
President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.
A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?
Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".
The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.
Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"The Ways To Be Happy"
An Afghan native has admitted that he planned to bomb the New York subway system. Come to think of it, the New York subway system can't get any worse.
The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Both Leno and Palin plan to ask each other, "Why did you quit so early?"
The US Men’s Olympic Hockey team defeated Team Canada for the first time in 50 years. If only the US Health Care system could say the same thing.
A study says the ways to be happy include being grateful, optimistic, and counting your blessings. The study was then withdrawn when the researchers realized that Americans have nothing to be grateful or optimistic about.
John Daly has signed an underwear endorsement deal. Daly is ecstatic. Now he gets his size 8XL pairs of underwear for free.
The president of Toyota's U.S. operations acknowledged to lawmakers on Tuesday that the company's recalls of millions of its cars may "not totally" solve the problem of sudden and dangerous acceleration. I totally agree. They have to get there first.
A Facebook group entitled "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback" actually has more fans than Nickelback. In response, Nickelback wanted to take that group and Burn It To The Ground.
The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Both Leno and Palin plan to ask each other, "Why did you quit so early?"
The US Men’s Olympic Hockey team defeated Team Canada for the first time in 50 years. If only the US Health Care system could say the same thing.
A study says the ways to be happy include being grateful, optimistic, and counting your blessings. The study was then withdrawn when the researchers realized that Americans have nothing to be grateful or optimistic about.
John Daly has signed an underwear endorsement deal. Daly is ecstatic. Now he gets his size 8XL pairs of underwear for free.
The president of Toyota's U.S. operations acknowledged to lawmakers on Tuesday that the company's recalls of millions of its cars may "not totally" solve the problem of sudden and dangerous acceleration. I totally agree. They have to get there first.
A Facebook group entitled "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback" actually has more fans than Nickelback. In response, Nickelback wanted to take that group and Burn It To The Ground.
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