"Portable Toilets"

An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.

A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.

Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.

Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.

Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.

A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.

Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?

There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Not An Issue"

Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.

“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.

The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.

The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.

On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?

Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.

The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.

Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".

Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.

67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.

A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?

Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.

A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Contraband French Fries"

Joke of the Day: A PETA activist dressed up in a chicken suit and asked people to boycott fast food restaurant KFC. However, if you take a guy from PETA wearing a chicken suit seriously, you may have some problems.

It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been taking acting lessons and wants to be an actress. She can't sing, she has been to rehab, and she focuses way too much on her looks. She's already worthy of being an actress.

Researchers say that 97.5% of all Scots are either smokers, heavy drinkers, physically inactive, overweight or on a bad diet. In other words, 97.5% of Scots live in America.

Researchers say a 13th Century Italian Saint likely died from a heart defect. Let me be the first to say, "So what?".

The Democratic Senate Candidate from South Carolina, Alvin Greene has only $114 in his bank account. He's already making our economy jealous.

Red Sox outfielder Daniel Nava has hit the first pitch he saw in the big leagues for a grand slam. The pitcher has been put under suicide watch.

Minnesota wildlife managers are asking drivers to brake for turtles. And nine years later after they finish crossing the street, people can resume driving again.

The United States training session ahead of Saturday's World Cup Group C opener with England was briefly delayed after an elephant blocked the route of the team bus. To be fair, Kirstie Alley just wanted some autographs.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is offering parents a cure for children who don't want to go to sleep - having them watch his televised speeches. The parents want their children to sleep, not kill themselves.

Swiss customs officers seized one ton of contraband french fries near the French border on Thursday, authorities said. The customs officers called them toxic, while al-Qaeda called them, "The new way for us to defeat the Americans".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Easier To Spot"

Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.

Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?

British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".

Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?

Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.

A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.

NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.

June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.

Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.

The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!