Joke of the Day: Chrysler is recalling 600,000 minivans for brake wiring problems. Gosh, these pedal problems are less likely to stop than the cars themselves.
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.
Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.
A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.
Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.
A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.
Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.
President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.
The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.
A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.
An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".
That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!
By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!
Showing posts with label Gary Coleman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gary Coleman. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"A Temporary Hotel"
Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, June 4, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
"Finding Cheaper Gas"
Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.
British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.
The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".
U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?
A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?
U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".
Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.
British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?
Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.
British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.
The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".
U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?
A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?
U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".
Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.
British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?
Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
"A Risky Procedure"
Joke of the Day: A teenage driver in New York crashed his car after passing out while trying to hold his breath. This is the first time in a long time that someone who crashed their car was holding something other than their cell phone.
Cold Stone Creamery’s “PB&C” milkshake at more than 2,000 calories has been called the worst drink in America by Men’s Health Magazine. This is obviously not the worst-tasting drink in America.
A Dominican man went on a cocaine binge that resulted in an erection that lasted 27 days. And you thought four hours raised concerns.
A study says that children are more likely to be injured in every day activities on holidays. Like papercuts when opening Christmas presents.
Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Unfortunately, Tiger knows the difference between dates and hook-ups.
Researchers say that elderly people should avoid wearing bifocal glasses outside to cut down the chance of falling. Here's an idea to help them stop falling: get a wheelchair.
A poll says that 16% of Americans approve British Petroleum’s handling of the Gulf oil spill crisis. The percentage was changed to zero when the 16% was asked "Explain why".
A risky procedure to stop the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has yet to show much success. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...
Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. To which Bret Michaels said, "Wow, someone can die from that?".
Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. His funeral is expected to be made fun of. For example, his casket used to be a shoebox.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Cold Stone Creamery’s “PB&C” milkshake at more than 2,000 calories has been called the worst drink in America by Men’s Health Magazine. This is obviously not the worst-tasting drink in America.
A Dominican man went on a cocaine binge that resulted in an erection that lasted 27 days. And you thought four hours raised concerns.
A study says that children are more likely to be injured in every day activities on holidays. Like papercuts when opening Christmas presents.
Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Unfortunately, Tiger knows the difference between dates and hook-ups.
Researchers say that elderly people should avoid wearing bifocal glasses outside to cut down the chance of falling. Here's an idea to help them stop falling: get a wheelchair.
A poll says that 16% of Americans approve British Petroleum’s handling of the Gulf oil spill crisis. The percentage was changed to zero when the 16% was asked "Explain why".
A risky procedure to stop the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has yet to show much success. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...
Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. To which Bret Michaels said, "Wow, someone can die from that?".
Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. His funeral is expected to be made fun of. For example, his casket used to be a shoebox.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 8, 2010
"International Flirting Week"
Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
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