Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.
A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?
Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.
The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.
Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.
A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.
A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Willie Nelson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Willie Nelson. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"Mentally Incapable"
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 29, 2010
"The Next Release"
While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Quidditch Lingerie"
English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Cures For Jet Lag"
Joke of the Day: A researcher has infected himself with a computer virus. The first sign of this: every six seconds, the researcher thinks he's won a free XBOX360.
May 28 is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s 50th birthday. He celebrated with a trip to the Appalachian Mountains, and then another trip to Argentina.
At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "No, Malia, you have it all wrong. I said plug the damn hole, not just the hole."
At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "Well, not yet Malia, I have time. Biden doesn't have to give a speech until next week".
A new fad with young people in England has them pouring vodka directly into their eyes. Apparently a lot of young people in England prefer torture in their spare time.
Willie Nelson has cut his waist long braids off in favor of a shorter hair style. This marks the first time in history that Willie Nelson's bong has been longer than his hair.
Researchers say that cures for jet lag include coffee and sunlight. This is also known as "not flying Southwest".
President Obama’s border plan is said to be similar to that of President Bush’s. Let me be the first to say, "Oh God!".
A Chinese factory is asking for employees to sign a “no suicide” vow after twelve people have thrown themselves off buildings. This plan is expected to backfire. Six-year-olds probably don't know what the word "Suicide" is.
A study says that heavier girls are more likely to have early unprotected sex. That's because the heavy girls are too fat and lazy to get a condom.
A two year old Sumatran child smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. The child will most likely reunite with their British twin on "The Parent Trap".
That's all for now, my faithful reader! More coming up tomorrow!
May 28 is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s 50th birthday. He celebrated with a trip to the Appalachian Mountains, and then another trip to Argentina.
At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "No, Malia, you have it all wrong. I said plug the damn hole, not just the hole."
At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "Well, not yet Malia, I have time. Biden doesn't have to give a speech until next week".
A new fad with young people in England has them pouring vodka directly into their eyes. Apparently a lot of young people in England prefer torture in their spare time.
Willie Nelson has cut his waist long braids off in favor of a shorter hair style. This marks the first time in history that Willie Nelson's bong has been longer than his hair.
Researchers say that cures for jet lag include coffee and sunlight. This is also known as "not flying Southwest".
President Obama’s border plan is said to be similar to that of President Bush’s. Let me be the first to say, "Oh God!".
A Chinese factory is asking for employees to sign a “no suicide” vow after twelve people have thrown themselves off buildings. This plan is expected to backfire. Six-year-olds probably don't know what the word "Suicide" is.
A study says that heavier girls are more likely to have early unprotected sex. That's because the heavy girls are too fat and lazy to get a condom.
A two year old Sumatran child smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. The child will most likely reunite with their British twin on "The Parent Trap".
That's all for now, my faithful reader! More coming up tomorrow!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Bob Dylan's Lyrics"
Joke of the Day: A college professor in New York is teaching Bob Dylan's lyrics as literature. That's like recommending Kirstie Alley's diet in health class.
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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