A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
Showing posts with label NBC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NBC. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"Suicide Note"
A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Mayberry With A Beach"
Joke of the Day: A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old female dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Still yet to be discovered, the dancer's seven-year-old brother was employed by the Catholic Church.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"Drugged Driving"
College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"The Greatest Excuse Ever"
Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.
A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".
Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?
Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.
The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.
In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.
An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.
Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.
A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.
Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.
Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.
More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.
That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.
A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".
Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?
Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.
The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.
In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.
An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.
Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.
A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.
Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.
Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.
More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.
That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.
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