"The Greatest Excuse Ever"

Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.

A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".

Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?

Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.

“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.

The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.

In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.

An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.

Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.

A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.

Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.

Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.

More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.

That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.