"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.