WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Kate Gosselin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kate Gosselin. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"Six Decades Of Hostility"
Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"A Carnival Attraction"
Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
"The Cause Of Earthquakes"
Joke of the Day: A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact?
US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.
The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."
Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.
A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.
A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.
Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".
A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.
A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.
High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.
A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.
Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.
A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.
A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.
A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.
Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.
A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.
GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.
Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.
That's all for right now! More upcoming!
US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.
The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."
Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.
A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.
A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.
Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".
A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.
A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.
High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.
A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.
Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.
A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.
A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.
A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.
Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.
A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.
GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.
Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.
That's all for right now! More upcoming!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
"Ticketed For Speeding"
Joke of the Day: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.
In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.
Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.
Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.
Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.
The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.
A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.
Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.
28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.
A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.
Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.
A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.
Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.
Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.
These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!
In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.
Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.
Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.
Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.
The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.
A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.
Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.
28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.
A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.
Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.
A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.
Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.
Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.
These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
"An Unhealthy Clown"
Tiger Woods arrived without warning on a lazy Sunday afternoon at the Masters. If I had a nickel for every time that Woods arrived without warning...
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
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