Thursday, June 30, 2011

"Environmental Literacy"

General Mills reported that its 4th quarter profits rose 51%. In other words, General Mills is a polar opposite of LeBron James.

June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".

Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?

Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.

A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.

Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?

Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.

Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.

That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Monday, June 27, 2011

"Legalized In New York"

Gay marriage has been legalized in New York. Finally, some good news for A-Rod and Jeter.

Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.

Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.

Saab is out of money to pay their worker's wages. Don't worry, it's just a Saab story.

Scientists say they are close to developing an artificial pancreas. An artificial pancreas? I thought hips don't lie.

Priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. They already do. It's called chatroulette.com.

Ted Turner says that climate change is the most serious problem that humanity has ever faced. Then he saw the Cincinnati Bengals practice and he said, "Okay, scratch that".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

"Sexual Sin"

Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.

Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.

A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.

A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!

Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".

France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?

An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.

Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.

The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, June 24, 2011

"A Wailing Baby"

Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?

George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.

President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.

The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.

Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.

A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.

Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".

Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.

Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.

Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

"A Schizophrenia Medication"

Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...

Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.

A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.

A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.

The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.

Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".

Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"A Referee's Error"

In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.

Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.

Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.

A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".

Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.

A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.

A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.

A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, June 20, 2011

"Too Drunk To Sing"

An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".

A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.

A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.

Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.

A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.

Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.

One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?

Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

"Close Relationships"

A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".

New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".

A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.

A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?

A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.

A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.

IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".

A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.

Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, June 17, 2011

"Officially Resigned"

Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.

A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.

Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?

According to a new study, fathers are now spending twice as much time with their kids as the did in the past. Apparently this study did not include black men.

Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.

Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"Better Than Anyone Else"

The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.

HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.

A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.

Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.

A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.

The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.

The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.

LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Using The F-Word"

Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.

Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.

President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.

A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.

A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.

A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, June 13, 2011

"A Round Of Golf"

Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".

June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.

Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.

Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.

Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.

Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.

Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".

A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.

The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.

3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.

Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

"Rent-A-Grandma"

USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.

The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.

There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.

Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?

A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?

Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"Foreskin Man"

Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?

Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".

Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.

There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.

There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.

Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.

A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.

A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Chosen By Their Fans"

Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.

The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?

A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.

Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.

The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.

A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.

A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!