"Only In English"

Joke of the Day: A man is battling for his right to go inside the Ohio Statehouse barefoot. To which George Bush said, "Do you want to come to my next speech?".

It was on this date in 1913 that the zipper was patented. It was also on this date that the phrase "Your fly is down" was invented.

A flight from Houston to DC was diverted to Greensboro Wednesday after the word “bomb” was found in the bathroom mirror. He then opened the toilet and realized what the word "bomb" meant.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. Because when I think of needs for the state of Alabama, the first thing that comes to mind is the drivers' test being only in English.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. That's strange. I had no idea anybody in Alabama knew what a car was.

A knife-wielding man attacked a kindergarten class of 4-year-olds in eastern China on Thursday, slashing 28 children. That's strange. Usually when you find 28 4-year olds, you'd be in a Chinese factory.

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat". The man said, "That's the last time I ever criticize Mike Tyson".

55% of Americans say that the nutritional quality of school lunches is “fair” or “poor”. In another survey, 100% of American children think that the quality of school lunches is "terribly poor".

A survey says that 14 year old girls are the toughest kids to parent. I'm very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

A survey says for the first time more Americans feel they will be working past age 65 than will be retired. In this economy, those people are lucky to be working.

The Boy Scouts are offering awards for video games. They are probably just motivating more boys to join the Boy Scouts.

California State officials have unveiled a new seismic map that features 50 new faults. The biggest fault? Los Angeles.

Afghanistan is launching an Internet crackdown to stop people from viewing sites promoting pornography, alcohol and gambling. Or, as we call that in the U.S., Las Vegas.

A study says dieting can be dangerous to a person’s health and can lead to heart attacks, cancer and diabetes. Fat people are calling this study "A Really Good Excuse".

Joan Rivers is beginning a new season of "How Did You Get So Rich?" for TV Land. After that show ends, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt will all star in a reality show called "Really, How Did You Get So Famous?"

That's all I have for right now. More upcoming!